To Keep The Good Alive
by hannahwrites89
Summary: So, what am I going to do next? Simply go home? I realize that if I do that, I'll never approach him. But I also know that Will is not going to come back this time around. It's just not going to happen. As I sit down in the back of the taxi, the driver turns around. "Where are you headed?" Good question.
1. Be Careful What You Wish For

**A/N:** Will and Alicia.I couldn't stand watching the tension between Will and Alicia and not writing about it. I'm writing from 4x14, Red Team Blue Team. What happened in the show so far happened in this story. Please review!  
If you want to see new dialogue and new scenes I created, start at the end of chapter 3 :) That's where I take matters in my own hand.  
**Summary:** Reliving Red Team Blue team and after that. Starting with the scenes we know, but new scenes will pop up quickly! This chapter is Will's point of view.

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**To Keep The Good Alive**

Chapter 1 – Be Careful What You Wish For

"_You just might get it." _

This is ridiculous. Unacceptable. "Excuse me!" I burst out. "This is nothing like a real court experience!"

"That is because you're not addressing me as the plaintiff!" Alicia snaps at me.

"The only reason you know what his daughter's name is because he's our client," I continue to argue. We look straight in each other eyes. I hate this. But she's crossing a line here. Way over.

"That would happen in court Mr. Gardner, He would be-"

"Quiet! Please! …I have to go the bathroom," Lyman cuts us off, stands up and leaves the room.

I sigh and quickly look at Diane, shaking her head. "They're crossing a line here," she mumbles at me. I nod. "I know." I watch Alicia and Cary bursting out the room, agitatedly talking to each other.

Diane sighs and leans back in her chair. "This is wrong. We made a mistake. I understand she's upset but this is highly unprofessional."

"You talk to Lund," I reply. "I need a few files from my office."

There are no files left but I just need to get back to my office and think this through. In the past couple of days, I completely lost track of what I am to Alicia and what she is to me. It's incredibly intertwined, wrong and confusing. I want to treat her like anyone else but I can't. She knows it wasn't up to me to delay partnership and still I am the one she's blaming. Or at least she's taking it out on me in court. She hasn't addressed Diane like that. She got emotional and she lost track. She thinks I'm playing her but in the end, she's playing us. Me. And not just in court. Meeting with our top clients, it's outrageous.

When the elevator doors slide open I want to head to my office, but as I walk I hear a door and realize Alicia is on the floor as well. I'm trying to keep my cool but realize that I can't and I turn around, heading to her. I see her standing over her desk, sorting out files. I need to get this out of my system.

I burst into her office. The glass door shuts behind me. "You got a problem, you bring it to me. You don't take it to court."

"What? I'm a lawyer. _You_ asked _us_!" She's on fire.

"We asked you to take this seriously." I reply.

"I am taking this seriously!" She snaps at me.

"You're losing us a client."

"That's not my fault!" She steps away from her desk, closer towards me.

"IT DAMN WELL IS YOUR FAULT!" I yell in her face, taking a step closer. I'm raging with anger. Suddenly I'm losing control.

"Well, then TAKE US OFF OF IT, FIRE US! GET RID OF US!"

"O that's what you want huh, these meetings with clients, is that what this is about?" I'm practically spitting the words in her face.

"O my God! Listen to yourself Will! You are not the injured party here!" She yells back, looking straight in my eyes.

"O what, and you ARE?!"

"I AM!" "YES!" She shouts back at me.

This just became way more personal.

I'm trembling. I don't know what to say. I just realized how close we are to each other. There's a reason why we don't get together this close anymore. It arouses me. It arouses me so much that it makes me lose control. My heart is throbbing in my chest. Her eyes are locked into mine and I look at her lips, her mouth half open.

Then I lean in. I kiss her, softly at first, pulling her closer towards me. She instantly responds, with confidence. She presses her body against mine. She moans softly, encouraging me. Our kiss intensifies. She's insistent and strong and it feels so good I forget what was going on before. My hands wander off to her hips. I want to touch her all over.

Then something snaps me back to reality.

I drop my hands and step back. Immediately regret what I did. What we did.

"Dammit," Alicia mutters, shaking her head. O no. What just happened. "No no no no," I stutter. Before I can do anything to stop her, she's already halfway down the hall. I want to say something. Stop her from leaving but I don't know what to do. She looks upset as she walks out. I didn't mean to do that. I shouldn't have. I step out of the office but stop myself from going after her. I can't make it better. I then hear the sound of the elevator and the doors close. She's gone.

I let out a deep sigh and sink down in her office chair. I hold my face in my hands, rubbing my eyes. This is why we shouldn't be this close. I lose control. We both do. It seems unavoidable. I shouldn't have walked into her office like that. I ambushed her. I startled her and that's not what I want.

No matter how great those few seconds felt, I wish I had never felt that again. I can still taste her lipstick on my lips, her scent on my cheeks, her hand in my neck. Now I'm longing for that even more. And I won't get it. This triggered something and it wasn't supposed to be triggered ever again. I'm never that emotional around anyone. I don't get that angry and I don't get that aroused. And now that I tasted her once more, I won't be able to get her off my mind.

/

Later that night, I fell asleep on the couch, watching some baseball and drinking beer. I tried to forget what happened and I wanted to start fresh today. Now that I'm sitting in front of her again I realize that's not going to happen. My thoughts keep wandering off to her body and her lips. The physical attraction is so strong that I wish I could pull her out of this room right now. I've been staring at her all morning. Every time she looks back I look away, pretending to be paying attention to the papers in front of me.

"Excuse me your honor. Objection!" Diane looks at me. Shit, that was my cue. I can't get myself to do anything. I just want to stare. And go home.

"May we approach the bench?" Diane asks.

I don't even bother to get up. From the corner of my eye I can see Alicia is slow in getting up as well. We both don't want to stand next to each other. It seems unavoidable. What happens next is incredibly awkward. Reluctantly, we walk up to the bench. I feel terrible as I see how uncomfortable Alicia is next to me. And so am I. It's this unbearable combination of being uncomfortable and arousal. Even when we're not touching, I can actually feel her and it doesn't feel right. I try to lean towards Diane as much as I can. I don't even hear what Lyman is saying.

"Step back," is all I register and that's my cue for getting back to my chair as soon as possible. This is going to be a long day.

/

Hours later the end is in sight. "Ok. Then make a deal. Twelve million. Enough with these morowns," Lund decided as he stands up and leaves the room.

I'm so glad this day is over. I couldn't care less about this deal right now. I'm not myself. We're standing next to each other once more.

"Will. Can we talk for a minute?" Alicia asks me. Although a part of me wishes she wouldn't approach me, I'm glad she did. We should talk.

I quietly follow her back to the room where we practiced court. She looks down, seems to think of what to say and looks up back at me.

"I was offered the sole equity partnership." She starts.

"I know, I heard," Is all I reply.

"This didn't have anything to do with—"

"No. No." I interrupt her. Of course not.

"Are you sure? Because I—"

"Alicia." I interrupt again. "Pat yourself on the back. You're good. This is because you're good."

She smiles. "OK."

I feel bad for her, even thinking that this had to do with last night. I look at her, she looks incredibly insecure. I hate to see her like this. I feel awful and I never want her to think that again. While looking at her, I think of what to say. I quickly decide that I need to tell her that it won't happen again, but she's ahead of me.

"What are we gonna do?"

I just shake my head. "I don't know…" I swallow. "It was a weak moment."

She nods. "I know."

I feel that I'm getting emotional. She's giving me a look, clearly asking me to answer her question. We need to address it and we need to address it now. While I'm thinking of what to say my feelings for her are growing again. The tension is crawling back in my body.

But I cut it off on time.

"We should avoid being alone together," I manage to get out of my mouth. I already regret the words while I'm pronouncing them, but it's the wise thing to say. I don't want to. But we should. I said the right thing. When I finish the sentence I feel a cold sensation running over me. I feel bad already.

Alicia nods."Yeah." It sounds unconvincing. For a moment I think I see disappointment in her eyes. That it's not the answer she hoped. But she corrects herself quickly.

"OK." I just say, ending the conversation. Now I just to want to get out of here. I barely look at her, turn around and want to get out of the room.

"I'm sorry Will," she suddenly says.

"About what?" I ask, turning back around.

"Oh I don't know. What am I not sorry about?" She laughs.

It makes me smile. I like it when she laughs. "It's life." I answer. "We're in constant danger of running off the road." And with that I leave.

Walking back to my office, I can't help but think that I wish we could run off the road. It's a selfish thought. We tried it and it didn't work. There's no way it ever will. Realizing that makes me sick sometimes, lose my appetite. It makes me bitter. It gets worse after a kiss like that. I was almost over her, at least as much as I'll ever be. But that kiss recharged me. My whole body yearns for her. I can still feel her hand in my neck; my skin still tingles there. I still feel her lips on mine. It's driving me crazy. But I need to come to terms with the fact that this is what it's gonna be. It's not going to be any different.

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_To be continued**...**_

**Reviews much appreciated, thank you so much :) **


	2. The Art of Avoiding

**A/N:** Thank you for the first reviews, I'd like to hear more! This is the last chapter where I actually stick the show, things will change after tonight's episode. I'll take my own direction! Small spoiler alert for the last part, based on a preview of 4x18.

**Disclaimer: **Could only wish I owned any of it, but I don't.

**Summary:** A person often meets his destiny on the road he took to avoid it. Avoiding Will has become Alicia's second nature the past days, but it only had the opposite effect. He's been on her mind ever since.

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**To Keep The Good Alive**

Chapter 2 – The Art of Avoiding

_A person often meets his destiny on the road he took to avoid it. - _Jean de La Fontaine

It's an impossible feeling when you yearn for someone's touch for so long, and when it finally happens, it shuts you down. Simply because you can't handle the emotions that come with it, and pushing them away seems the only viable option. It has been this way ever since I started to work here. This week it happened once more. I got worked up, so _so _mad and in the middle of our argument we kissed. My craving for his touch became reality and once more, I shut down after. Our _affair _or however you want to call it has gone down a similar path. When we gave in, it was such a joy. I felt energized, I felt loved and admired. I hadn't felt that way for a long, long time. But the emotions grew too strong and so did my feelings for him. I cut it off. I couldn't take any more of him, not with the life I was leading.

I lost control over everything else that was of importance to me. I felt like I was letting Zack and Grace down, and that feeling only got confirmed when Grace _literally _got lost. I couldn't handle loving Will while caring for my family and working on my relationship with Peter. Although deep down inside I wonder if we will ever make it back together, and more importantly, if I _want _to, I needed to give our relationship an honest try. I owed him that, and I owed our children that. So that's what we did.

Peter and I had been going through an interesting couple of months. We would have spontaneous sex in his campaign bus, and I even initiated sex in our bathroom during thanksgiving. Having sex with Peter again had been exciting in the beginning, but it quickly became more of a habit than an actual loving moment. At least, for me. In the past years, I have changed. I have learned to care less what others think of me and to focus more on what I want. I separated from Peter for a reason. Especially mom and Owen have a knack for playing devil's advocate and have tried to push me into filing for a divorce. I didn't do as they said, but I did listen. Letting go of the horrible months when I kept finding out lie after lie would be a blessing. But the happy memories, especially those with the kids, make it hard for me to push through and I didn't think I would in the near future. And I'm definitely not ready for any negotiation or bureaucratic misery that comes with it. Especially with everything surrounding the campaign I hadn't allowed myself to think of any alternative. Up until last week.

The day after our _encounter _in my office, I asked Will to talk and we did. I don't know what I was hoping to hear when he addressed the night before. A part of me imagined him saying that he missed be. In reality though, I begged him not to say any of that. And then when he didn't, a part of me felt disappointed. But I regained myself and realized how lucky I was with the way he addressed it. He handled the situation which such he had left, I just stood there. I stared at the spot on the floor where he had just been talking to me. I got emotional, but I couldn't let it get to me since there were hours of work ahead. For a second, I thought I heard him walk back to me. But he had walked on and he was right do so.

'_We should avoid being alone together,'_ he had proposed. Concluded, one could say. The statement has been buzzing in my head ever since.

As I always try to keep everything organized and running smoothly, avoiding Will at work had become a second nature and I was insanely good at it. Will must have been trying too, because we rarely ran into each other and we had in fact, not been alone together. Not once. It was the result of a combined effort of the both of us. Talking about contradictions.

But working so hard on avoiding Will had the exact opposite effect on me than it was supposed to. He had never been on my mind as much as the past couple days. I was actually afraid to fall asleep, fearing he would pop up in my dreams and fantasies. And I hadn't touched the perfume he once told me he liked on me. I was uptight all the time. Literally from the moment I arrived at work up until the moment when I had made my way back to the parking garage late at night. It was crazy.

However, today has been so hectic that I haven't had a chance to work on avoiding Will. It just so happened that I hadn't seen him all day. But after my talk with Eli about buying the senior vote and Diane stopping me in the hallway about asserting my authority, my mind is so clouded that I didn't even consider I could bump into him in the elevator.

But there he is. In the elevator that was supposed to take me downstairs. Months ago, I might have described this as _good _timing, but right now it wasn't. Bad timing, as usual.

My breath stops short as I see him standing there, looking handsome and put together as always. I want to think of an excuse to turn around but look at him for.. what, _approval? _I don't know. But he tells me it's all right and I realize there's not much else I can do then get in that elevator. It might be awkward, but turning around would be even more awkward and I feel like the whole floor is staring at me anyway. I try to step in as casually as possible and press the button of the ground floor. I see he pressed an earlier one, so at least he'll be leaving before I do. It's a relief and a disappointment at the same time.

I put my hand in the pocket of my coat and stand in front of him. My back is towards him. I want to move, to look less stiff and weird about it, but I don't really know how to make this less weird so I just stay where I am.

"You over your cold?"

I didn't know we were gonna _talk _to each other. I sense frustration in his voice. I think for a moment about how to reply. Should I turn around? That would be normal. But this isn't a normal situation. The question doesn't sound to genuine. Is this his way of dealing with this…_ thing_ that's going on right now?

"Yes…" I just reply. I do move my head in his direction, but I don't actually turn around towards him. I just stand there. Feeling ridiculous. "…You?" I say in a desperate attempt to keep the conversation going.

"Getting there." It took him a while to respond, too.

I turn back to how I was standing before. Tension is building up in my body, as it always does when he's that close to me. Avoid. I tell myself. _Avoid._

"Alicia, it's OK." I relax a little. I'm glad he addressed _it _at least. I'm frustrated at the same time, it really isn't OK.

"We're not gonna act on it," he continues.

"_Again."_ I add, slightly annoyed.

"Yes. _Again."_ Now he sounds annoyed too. Great. "It was a mistake, it happened but that's it. We can't… _avoid_ each other." He sort of rambled there. I like it when he does, he's rarely loses track of what he wants to say.

"You're right," I reply, softer this time. I want to turn around, give him a smile and… I don't know what I want. But before I can make up my mind, there's the _ping _of the elevator and the doors slide open.

That ended quickly, I think to myself. "I'll see you around," he says to me. His tone of voice is softer now, too.

"See you," I say. I quickly catch his glance when he moves past me. He doesn't wave, or smile. He just walks out.

I step back and lean against the elevator wall. Sadness creeps over me and I let out a breath I did not know I was holding. We aren't gonna last a _week, _I think to myself. How are we supposed to do this? It has to get better, I tell myself.

Days passed, and I had decided to invest more time in the kids and Peter. Will seemed distracted, too. I don't know if he was seeing someone else or just managing very well. Then Will was put on the inquest case with me. We did good. As long as we're _working _together, we function. Talking about the law keeps us sane, so it seems.

Currently, I'm sitting in my office searching for arguments to use for our case. Will is doing the same thing. Two years ago we would have sat down together in his office, but that's not the way things are anymore. It doesn't distract me too much. I feel strong and good about the fact that we're both on the same floor, doing our jobs and not distracting each other. Even at this late hour.

When I finally find a good way to argue at the inquest, I realize I will have to get to Will and tell him. There's no _avoiding_ now. I tell myself it isn't that hard to do, so I confidently walk up to his office. I stop my steps as I see him sitting there, behind this desk. For a moment, I feel like walking into his office is forbidden terrain. Like I should avoid it at all cost. He seems to be thinking the same. We look at each other for a split second, and then I regain myself. Don't be ridiculous. Just get in there.

I regain my confident pace and walk straight towards his desk and sit down.

"What did you find?" he asks me.

"AML v. Hillman."

"Yes. That's what I have," he responds.

"You do not," I reply in disbelief.

"You're right." He smirks. "What is it?"

"Lawsuit over a biased inquest," I continue. "Insufficient evidence. It will make the coroner so afraid of a lawsuit he won't dare pass on murder evidence."

"Good," he nods. "You argue it."

"Ok," This went well, I think to myself. I grab my folder and get up.

"Will… Peter have a problem if I go to the Chicago Shamrock dinner?"

Didn't see that one coming. The question implies so many different things that I'm not sure how to respond. He's going? Peter? Wait. What?

"Will he have a… problem with it?" I repeat him, buying myself some time. "No." I decide to say. I don't know, to be honest. It didn't even cross my mind.

But, wait. "Are you _going_?" I ask. That would be interesting.

"We got a table." He nods casually. "Are you?"

He's got a table? He'll be there tonight? The thought on it's own excites me. The red dress I bought crosses my mind. Will he like it?

"Ah, yes." Is the only thing I say.

Will nods in response. I notice I'm staring at him. He stares back to me. Am I supposed to say anything else right now?

"Ok." I give him a smile and head to the door. I need to take in what just happened.

"I don't want to be wary of you Alicia."

I take a step back inside his office. "I know." I answer. "I don't like it."

"…Feels like we're avoiding each other." He stares straight into my soul. Typical Will. Always addressing everything he senses. And he's always right.

"I know," I reply. "I liked it when we were friends." My voice turns soft. I smile at him.

"Me too. Then let's do that." It's an unsatisfying conclusion for the both of us. We both know it, but we don't say it. And more importantly, we don't act upon it. Not this time.

"Ok." I'm still smiling. Somehow, I want to show him that I hated the avoiding and that I'm longing for him. But I don't know what to do. I could leave, or walk back towards him. And do what? Act upon it? That's not the way to go. Definitely not right now. Not tonight.

"Ok. Good night," Will says and ends my lingering thoughts with that.

I still stand there. I want to say something else. I desperately try to think of what to say and how, but I just smile once more, nod and leave.

A few hours later, I'm packing up my stuff. I haven't done any work since I came back in my office. I've been staring at my laptop, getting nervous for tonight. It was manageable up until Will just threw at me that he'll be there too. I want to impress him tonight and the thought alone makes me nervous.

I get up and walk through the hall. Perhaps he's about to leave too and we can head out together. But when I turn around, I see he's already on it's way. I could speed up. He wouldn't notice. Just take a small run for it, a few quick steps to catch up. To be in the elevator together.

'_Ping'_

I could still make it. Let's do this. I start walking again. Slowly, but regain my pace. Then I hear the doors shut. Too late. I might get another chance tonight.

I stand in the ladies room of the beautiful building where the Chicago Shamrock Dinner is taking place. I stare at my reflection in the mirrored wall. I look at myself. The dress looks good. The fact Zach and Grace like it made me feel good, too. My hair worked out the way I hoped, the dress fits me like a glove. I feel sexy and playful.

Although I'm here with Peter,I want to impress someone else. We probably won't even find the time to talk to each other. Eli will ask me to behave and direct me from person to person. The thought alone makes me feel rebellious. Look at me. I look _hot. _

I haven't felt as excited and energized for a long time. This could be a great evening, I think to myself. Let's head inside.

The room is full of people already. I'm glad I went bare shouldered, the room is hot and muggy already. Peter is standing in the middle of the ball room, staring at me with a flirty smile.

I chuckle at him. "What?" He asks. "Nothing. You look.. presidential."

"From your mind to God's ear," Eli hurries towards us. Wow he is nervous tonight.

"Look at Eli Gold in _tails," _I say, studying his outfit.

"What?" Eli asks worried.

In the corner of my eye I see a tray with glasses of with wine. I grab one as they pass. I need to drink tonight, that's for sure.

Eli still looks worried. "Wow, he men are really sensitive tonight. You look good Eli."

I see him staring down at my drink. O no, are we starting already? "I swear if you start clocking my alcohol intake, I'm going to do shots."

"Ok," Eli answers and sighs. "Now would we all like to know our goal for this shamrock dinner?"

"To have a good time?" Peter teases Eli.

"No. At the end of the night cardinal James is going to make a choice. He's going to shake hands with one candidate and he's gonna hug the other." I cringe at that. That sounds weird. "Historically, that hug means a bump of 800.000 catholic votes. You need those votes to beat Kristiva." Of course. Votes. How could I forget.

"So I shouldn't mention abortion," Peter responds sarcastically.

I smirk. Glad to see he's in a similar mood as I am. In what mood am I exactly? I'm not sure, but I'm enjoying myself and feeling good. It's going to be a good night.

"_Alicia." _Eli sounds vexed. I look up, still smiling.

"You are _Saint _Alicia. I know you don't like that but you are. So please, tonight just go with that." I don't know what it is, but the more he focuses on me having to behave myself I feel like not behaving well at all. "Your seen as a paragon of faithful wives. You stood by your man, you never strayed…-"

"Good evening everyone." O my God, there's Will. My smile disappears from my face. I'm taken aback by how good he looks. And by how upfront he just walked up towards us. I feel the tension rise as Peter and Will start talking.

"Hey Will," Peter says. Eli is staring at me, probably feeling the same tension.

"Peter, hi, thanks for the invite," Will responds, shaking hands.

I look at Will. God, he really looks good.

"No thank you. I never get a chance to thank you for promoting Alicia to partner." This is getting awkward. Eli has decided to put up some sort of fake smile.

"O, no thanks necessary. Everything she earned, she earned on her own."

Now they're all looking back at me. Eli still with his awkward smile. My eyes seem to be glued to Will. "OK." I just say. "I'm going to go find the bar." And with that I turn around.

What an evening this has already become.

_Please tell me what you think in the box below :) thanks so much for the reviews and followers, made my day! Enjoy watching tonight! _


	3. Move On

**A/N:** I realize I'm sticking closely to the show, even with this chapter. The end is different though, and next chapter will be, too. I didn't start this fanfic for nothing, Will/Alicia _needs _to happen. Just waiting for the right moment! Also got some 'fresh' ideas that are _very _different from the show for a new fic, How about that?  
Thanks again for new followers :) Hope to hear from you in a review!  
**Disclaimer: **Could only wish I owned any of it, but I don't.  
**Summary:** She seems torn between what she says and how she feels. She has been that way for a long time. I became the same. I say 'yes' when I mean 'no'. I propose to avoid each other but I want to hold her close. The two of us have become so contradictory that I can no longer see clearly what is real and what is not and neither can she. Or so it appears.

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**To Keep The Good Alive**

Chapter 3 – Move On

_You can avoid reality, but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality_. - Ayn Rand

I'm sitting on one of the antique couches, holding my phone. Admiring the ball room, staring at the guests, waiting to receive a call from Alicia with an update on the Ashbaugh case. From the moment I was in the car on my way here, I had been thinking about Alicia. How she would look, if we would find an opportunity to talk. Ever since we entered the ball room, I had been scanning the room every few seconds to see if she had already arrived.

While talking to an old colleague, I had suddenly seen a red dress in the corner of my eye. There she was. I was lucky enough that she couldn't see me when she walked in, because I was simply gushing over her. _Wow_. I stared at the sleek black opera gloves. In a flash I fantasized me slowly taking them off, kissing and teasing her in the process. When I realized I was overbearingly staring at her, I regained myself. I observed her for a while, chatting to Peter and Eli. I choked down the red wine that was left in my glass and decided to walk up to the two of them.

"Good evening everyone," I said bluntly, interrupting Eli in the middle of his sentence. The three of them fell silent for a second. Although I greeted all three, my main focus was Alicia. When was it not? She was staring at me as if I had just given her the scare of a lifetime. I wanted to say 'you look great tonight' but that didn't seem like a smart move in this situation. So I didn't – of course I didn't.

"Hey Will," Peter greeted me.

"Peter, hi" I said, shaking hands. "Thanks for the invite." I don't like staring the man in his eyes so I find myself staring at Alicia again.

"No, thank you. I never got a chance to thank you for promoting Alicia to partner."

"O, well no thanks necessary," I said, still not really looking at Peter. "Everything she earned, she earned on her own." I glanced at Alicia, then back to Peter. Speaking about an awkward situation.

"Ok." Alicia sounded uncomfortable. "I'm gonna go find the bar." She determinedly turned around and left.

"Well. Nice to talk to you again," I said.

"Yes, very." Eli answered vexed. Clearly, Eli had a strategy and me talking to either Alicia or Peter was definitely not a part of that.

"Have a great night." And I walked away.

I saw Alicia talking to Kristeva, her back towards me. I took a second to observe her bare back and shoulders. It's a long time since my hands had run up and down that skin, since I had placed kissed in her neck and massaged her shoulders after a long day of work. I stood there, eyeing her and realized it wasn't a very bright idea to walk up the both of them. Kristeva would say anything to put us in an uncomfortable position and embarrass her. I sighed. There really was no way to have a chat with her here, tonight. Too many risks and too many assumptions in the world we live in. I figured I'd better not approach her at all. If she wanted to talk to me, she would come up to me. It would happen in the end. And if she wouldn't, well… I had to get used to that anyway.

My phone buzzes. It's Alicia. I pick up, she sounds casual but then she drops a bomb.

"They found the car. They think he was heading towards my apartment."

"_What?"_ I say stunned.

"They found my address in his GPS."

"Your?" Immediately some protective instinct kicks in. "I'm coming down," I say determined.

"No!" Alicia exclaims. "No, Will! No!" She stutters. "I'm fine. I was just wondering if you remember Ashbaugh wanting information about a murder."

She's not fine. "I'm coming down." I repeat. "See you in twenty minutes."

"Will, it's ok."

_"Alicia."_ I stop my steps. "You may be the target of a murderer._ I'm coming down._ Do you want me to tell Peter?" I ask as I pass him in the hall.

"No, no no! He'll want to come too and he needs to concentrate on tonight."

"OK, I'll see you in a minute." I hang up and quicken my pace. I don't want anything bad happen to her. I need to see her.

When I arrive, I rush through the police station looking for Alicia. I see a glimpse of red and head in the questioning room. Thank God.

"Alicia, you're alright?" I ask. My voice panicked there.

"Yes. You didn't need to come down," she answers shaking her head at me. But she gives me a smile and that tells me I did right coming down. Of course I did. Look at her, she looks lost. Sitting there in her gorgeous gown in the corner of a police office that smells like beer, which is weird enough on itself.

I sit down. She updates me on what happened and I give her the information that I have. We fall silent for a minute.

"How was the party?" Alicia asks me playfully, giving me a smile.

"_Loads _of fun," I answer with a heavy sigh and with as much sarcasm as I can possibly put in three words.

She laughs. I'm glad to see her laugh. She relaxed since I arrived.

The smile seems stuck on her face. "You look good," she tells me.

My cheeks heat up. "I do?" I ask casually, looking at my outfit. "Thanks." I reply. "You do too." Stay _casual, _I tell myself. _Don't_ start flirting. This is not the time. Keep it casual.

"No, you _really_ look good," she sounds sensual. "Rushing down here." She's _giggling, _I realize. Is it the wine? But then my eyes lock into hers and I realize it's not the wine.

She's flirting with me. Upfront and honest flirting with me. Telling me I look good. I give her a wry smile back, not sure what to make of this. I don't say anything in return, I'm eager to see where this is going. I don't understand where this is coming from, but I'm definitely liking it so far.

All of a sudden her eyes seem to get watery. Something is going on here. She takes a deep breath in before she speaks. "We were good together. Weren't we?"

Yes. God you're pretty when you open up like that. I'm taken aback by it though, and think of how to reply. I just nod. "Yes." A wave of melancholy overtakes me. Is this some strange declaration of love simply because I rushed over here? It doesn't seem right.

She gives me another smile and stares away. In an instant, the look on her face changes from cheerful to concerned in the blink of an eye. What is happening? I just sit there and look at her. Her emotions are all over the place. Maybe it is the alcohol after all? Not sure what to do next I give her a reassuring smile, encouraging her to spill what's on her mind. _Talk to me._

"We're keeping each other from moving on." That feels like a smack in the face. She sounds determined. Is this about me? What did I do?

"No." I cut her off. "We're fine." I try to sound just as determined and avert my gaze. I don't want her to go there. Please. Let it be the way it is Alica.

"No we're not." Don't keep saying that, I think. I feel my jaw tighten. My heart beats slowly against my chest. Don't go there.

Her eyes water up again.

"It's passed and I'm pretending that it's not." she whispers at me. She looks devastated. I can see the tears forming in the corner of her eye. _Don't do this to yourself. Don't hurt yourself like that. _

Again I interrupt her. "Alicia. I'm _fine," _I emphasize, in a desperate attempt to turn this conversation around. I look at her, want her to understand and agree with what I'm saying. "We have a residual something or other and we're dealing with it." Let's just relax Alicia. Please.

She barely lets me finish my sentence. "I'm being_ selfish_."

Frowning I look at her. Where are you going with this? What just happened that made her think all these things?

"I mean, even talking about it here. I'm being _selfish_." She desperately wants me to play along. I can see that in her eyes, begging me to agree. But I don't want to. I don't want to do this.

"I'm back with Peter," she then adds.

My heart drops at that. Not that it's news to me. It just sounds so… definitive. It feels I just got dumped. Even though we're not together. Even though we said – _I _said – we should be friends. But we both knew we are more than that. And she is cutting it off. Now I'm getting emotional as well. I don't want her to see any of it, so I stay strong but internally I'm breaking down into pieces. A lump forms in my throat and I have a hard time swallowing it away.

"Now this has to end," she continues. I'm not sure if it's a statement or a question. It can't, I think to myself. It can't end, because it hasn't even started yet. Not again anyway, not really. I feel like I have to help her out. I want to help her out because I don't want it to end. I wouldn't even know how to do that.

"Can you just decide that?" I ask. It's my last hope. Please. Say No. You know it's a no Alicia.

"I can." She tries to sound just as determined as she was before but I'm not buying it. Her eyes tell me differently. Everything tells me differently except for the words she just said. Also, I simply disagree.

"I have to," she adds. That's a whole different ball game, I think to myself.

'_Hey mom pick up the phone', 'Hey mom pick up the phone'. _Alicia's phone rings.

She gives me a teary smile. I feel bad for her. She seems torn between what she says and how she feels. She has been that way for a long time. I became the same. I say 'yes' when I mean 'no'. I propose to avoid each other but I want to hold her close. I say I won't act on it again while I desperately want to. The two of us have become so contradictory that I can no longer see clearly what is real and what is not and neither can she. Or so it appears.

"Then OK." I say. My voice cracks. My body feels heavy. I am hurt. Badly.

"Sorry, I have to get this," she mumbles.

I gesture indifferently that I don't mind. If that phone hadn't ringed, I don't know what I would have said. But for now, I get up and leave the room. I'm debating with myself if I should wait outside and go back in when she's done calling. Telling her that I _don't_ think it's OK. But I don't, because I don't know what's wrong or right anymore. Maybe it's good that she said this. At least I know the waiting game is over. I need to move on.

"Will? Hi." It's Laura. "I didn't know you were here?"

My thoughts still clouded about what just happened, I take a second to respond. "…Laura. Hi. How are you?"

"I'm good." She smiles.

"How is the investigation going?" I ask casually, my eyes straying around the office. I look back in the room, Alicia is still going.

"I… it's complicated. But we're on to something. How is Alicia?"

"Alicia…" I mumble. "She's allright."

"Good. Nice of you to keep her company."

I smile absently. "Well." I don't say anything else, stuck for words.

"You going back to the party?"

"Probably. I was actually kinda happy to get out." I smile, more genuine this time.

She nods. She's nervously touching her hair. I clear my throat and that seems to get me back to reality "Sorry. I don't mean to be indifferent. Strange evening." I give her a smile.

"Yeah, I understand. Hey, I was thinking… You gave me that bottle of wine and-"

"Was it any good?"

"Ah, well. I don't know yet. I thought we could try out the wine together."

"It's a very good wine," I answer. It's only then when I realize she's actually asking me out. "Sorry," I add clumsily.

"No, it's OK. I shouldn't have asked." She quickly turns away.

One last time I glance at Alicia. On the phone, still. It annoys me. "Let's do that." I reply. "It's a good idea. Let's drink that bottle together."

She blushes and gives me a relieved smile. "I didn't know if you were seeing any one, so… "

"No, I'm not," I assure her. "I'm not." I say again. The repetition seems to be more for her own sake than for mine. "All right then." God, I really am stumbling my way through this.

"I'll get back to you with an actual date, it's just with work right now…"

"I understand, it's all right. Somewhere this week. We'll see each other before then to set a date and time. All right?"

I can see that Alicia's hanging up and I just want to get out of here.

"I'm gonna go get some fresh air." I say to her.

"Sure. I should get back to work anyway."

I nod and head out the station. Outside, I lean against the cold brick wall of the building, breathing in the crisp air and letting it out slowly. I rub my tired eyes with my hand. I don't know what I ever expected of tonight, but I definitely not expected _this. _I wonder what came over her, what made her… _decide_. Decide on what exactly?

I said I was fine. It might not have been the entire truth. But I _am _fine, for now at least. I wasn't tired of waiting just yet. It was all right. Our attempt at being friends, I honestly wanted to try. Now I wonder if that will ever happen. She looked scared of me. I don't want to be wary of her, I told her that. But I do think she just said she doesn't want to be wary of me. I wonder if Eli or Peter forced her into this. But it seemed to come from within, like she meant it. Maybe this whole GPS thing gave her such a scare she didn't know what to. Maybe I shoudn't have come down here, maybe…

"Will."

"Hi." I say, like it's the first word I've ever spoken to her. I'm not sure what I hope will come next. But honestly, I can't care any less at this point. I'm too confused to think straight.

"I'm sorry it went down like that. I didn't mean to…-"

"You were right." I interrupt her. I'm frowning. Deeply. I try to shake it off but I can't. I let out a deep sigh and look at her. Only now I notice she's not wearing any thing but her dress. It's freezing out here.

"God Alicia. Please put on a coat."

"I was looking for you. Laura told me you headed outside." She bites her lip. "I… I wanted to see if you were doing all right."

"I'm fine Alicia. Really. I already told you that. I'm just… _processing._"

She swallows. I can hear it. I can also hear her shivery breath from being cold. I soften my frown, observe her. She looks vulnerable. I know I do, too.

She walks up in front of me and puts her hand on my shoulder.

"I don't want to hurt you Will. I'm sorry if I did. I just… _God." _She's tearing up again.

"Don't be sorry." I mutter. "I just hoped to find a middle way. Be friends, figure it out. But maybe we can't… Figure it out. "

My phone buzzes. "It's Kalinda." I say. I pick up and the both of us head back inside. I walk behind her, admiring her bare back once again while we make our way back into the police station. _Stop it. _I tell myself. This just ended. _Move on._

_I can't take those two anymore! Loved 'Death of Client' but I so badly hoped to see a positive change instead of this. Decided to make my own change in the next chapter! Please review, I'd love to hear some response :) _


	4. Damage Is Done

**A/N:** So here I go, off in my own direction. These two deserve more _time _together. With that I mean time for everything, not just romance. Time for all emotions and frustrations that were left untold. Let's just say, we're not there just yet.  
**Disclaimer: **Could only wish I owned any of it, but I don't.  
**Summary:** "Alicia." His mouth twitches into something that is supposed to look like a smile, but his eyes give me nothing but a blank, impassive stare. It feels as if he built up a wall to prevent him from sharing any form of emotion with me these days.

* * *

**To Keep The Good Alive**

Chapter 4 – Damage Is Done

"_Everyone always wants to know how you can tell when it's true love, and the answer is this: when the pain doesn't fade and the scars don't heal, and it's too damned late." _― Jonathan Tropper

"I am sorry Ms. Florrick." Judge Politi cuts me off in the middle of my defense. "I have to agree with Ms. Hellinger here. Ms. Hellinger, granted. I will see you all back here in 48 hours."

_God. _Especially today I would very much appreciate to get through this case a little bit quicker. As I'm walking out of the court room, Laura catches up with me. "Alicia, how are you?"

"I'm good" I smile. "You?" She nods. "So I guess we'll see each other again soon?"

"Sorry." She smiles apologizing.

"Do what you gotta do," I joke as we head out in to the hall way. "I'm gonna get some lunch, I'm _starving_."

"Before you go, I just wanted to say thank you," she says.

"For what?" I smile curiously.

"For the advice you gave me last week." Her blue eyes twinkle. Ah. Of course. This is about Will. For a second, I think about how to reply.

"It worked out?" I just ask, pretending to be all ears. Well, I am. In a way.

"Well, we're going for a _second _date," she says in a soft voice, whispering almost. "So we'll have to see." A second date? In less than two weeks? Will definitely is _moving on._ But that's what I said I wanted. _You wanted this Alicia. _

"That's great Laura," I reply, trying to sound somewhat genuine. "I told you, he'd be receptive."

"_Receptive. _Yes." She winks at me. Ok. That's enough information for now.

"Anyway Alicia, thanks again. Really, I owe you. We should have drinks some time! We could go and grab some lunch together? I have about an hour?"

I open my mouth but nothing comes out. How to respond to this one. "I think I'm gonna grab something quick and keep working. Busy day." I offer her an apologizing smile.

"Sure, I understand. Say hi to Will from me!" And off she goes.

"See you," is all I manage to say in reply. Wow. Great start of the day. _Say hi to Will._

I make my way back to the firm. Laura filling me in on that kind of details…I understand she wants to share, I encouraged her after all. She considers me a_ friend._ And we are, I mean I like her. But filling me in on how dates with Will are progressing, no thank you. I had been mature and relaxed about it when I advised her to ask him out. But now, I don't want to know any more. It turns my stomach. I can't help it. And I know that it's pointless. They're just _dating. _It's probably nothing serious. But what if it is? I take a deep breath in. _Then that's great Alicia. That is what you wanted. Now move on._ I honestly didn't think I would hit me like that. I thought I was stronger.

Hours later, I'm working my way through the evidence of the McBride case once again. Then, in the corner of my eye, I suddenly spot the man I have been thinking about all day long. He passes my office and stops his steps in front of the door of my office. He puts his hand on my door, and gestures if he can come in.

"Will. Hi." I try to sound casual as he pushes the door open. He only takes one step inside my office.

"Alicia." His mouth twitches into something that is supposed to look like a smile, but his eyes give me nothing but a blank, impassive stare. It feels as if he built up a wall to prevent him from sharing any form of emotion with me these days.

"I'm only here to check up on the McBride case," he says it in a way as if he's apologizing for appearing into my office in the first place. "How did it go?"

"The judges granted a 48 hour delay," I answer with a sigh. "Politi is on Laura's side on this."

"OK then." He nods slowly. "Try to make use of those 48 hours."

Is that all he's going to say about it? Where is the usual piece of advice, the questions to get a better picture? I give him a quizzical look. He just stares at me. All right then. "I will," I reply.

He nods again. "Good. Don't forget, partner meeting at six." His voice is just as blank as his stare.

"I did not forget."

For a second, he bites down on his bottom lip but then he quickly makes his way back to the doorpost. "Good." He doesn't seem to be in the mood to say any extra words than necessary.

"Anything else?" I just decide to ask.

"Nope… You?"

I don't reply immediately. He looks impatient, standing there with one hand holding the door. About to let it fall shut.

"No. I just…" I start, not even sure where I want to go with this and avert my gaze. This is not the time, I realize. I don't even know for what, but either way. It's not the time.

"It's nothing," I sigh.

He knows I'm lying, but he leaves it at that. "All right then. See you in an hour."

I nod slowly. "Yep…"

As soon as he's out of sight I throw my head back and close my eyes. So here we are, I think to myself. Back at square one. That undoubtedly was our most pathetic conversation ever. It didn't even classify as a conversation. It merely was an exchange of words. And an exchange of frustrated emotions. We had been through many changes and awkward situations, but these couple of days were in a class of their own. This time, it felt like he had shut me out completely.

It was a version of Will that I had never seen before. That night outside the police station, he had looked sad and defeated, but at least there was some emotion to trace back in his eyes. Now, it had changed to a cold and blank stare. Every time he had looked at me like that these past days, a knot formed in my stomach. With every single one of those stares, his eyes told me not to approach him. To stay away from him. So I did.

But I miss him. I miss how his eyes could sparkle flirtatiously as we caught each other's glance. I miss how he could read my face, and give me a sympathetic smile. I miss him telling me that it was all right… and that I could relax… and that we were OK. I miss all of it.

So this is what you want then? I ask myself. Because Will is doing exactly as I asked. He understood. Again. He always understood whatever I had tried to explain. But either way, he was hurt. Badly hurt. And now, he had shut me out. And maybe he was right to do so. After all, I said we needed to end whatever was going on.

Damage was done and there was no way of making amends back then or right now.

An hour later, I find myself in the meeting room. I strategically chose my chair, making sure there was no way I would be sitting next or in front of Will. It had worked out perfectly. I was sitting in the back of the meeting room, at the corner of the table. David was sitting next to me and was vividly engaging himself in any point that needed to be discussed, making rude comments whenever he had the chance. I wasn't even listening any more. In fact, I stopped listening even before the meeting had started. My mind is someplace else.

Suddenly, everyone starts chatting and gets up from their chairs. Apparently the meeting is over. A little startled I get up as well, ready to head out. I literally missed everything that had been said in the past hour. I feel bad and want to disappear out as soon as possible so I quickly grab my things in order to leave.

I suddenly hear my name. It's Diane. "Alicia?"

"Yes, Diane?" I give her a questioning look. Everyone else arounds us leaves the room.

"You will be there Friday night I hope? You seemed a little… _absent_ when I announced?"

I nod apologizing. "I'm sorry."

"The campaign asks a lot from you at these last moments, I'm sure?," she smiles.

"Yes," I quickly reply. "It's a lot."

"Anyway. Will and I decided to throw a small celebration to thank the partners and associates for all their hard work and for staying with us through the more… _difficult _times. You're supposed to be there. Especially now Alicia, It's important."

I nod. "I'll be there."

"Good." She gives me another smile.

"Of course Diane."

"Pay better attention next time," she adds sharply. "Your input matters just as much now. I'd like to _hear _that input."

"Yes. You will, I promise." I grab my bag, throw it over my shoulder and head out the meeting room. "I'll see you tomorrow."

I get in the elevator and make my way to the state attorney's office. I really should pay better attention next time. This is unlike me. I'm off my game. I glance at my watch. I really should hurry up, Peter is probably waiting for me already. I want to grab my phone and call him, but then I notice the battery has run out. Eli talked me into joining the last strategy dinner before the elections. I don't feel like it today, but I should be there. I know. Whether he'll win or loses, I'll be asked questions and I need to be prepared. More importantly, I want to make sure that also in these last two weeks, they will not attempt to talk to Zach or Grace again. Musing about how things will change if Peter does win, I turn the corner of the hall way. Then, I suddenly spot Will sitting on one of the benches in front of the state attorney's office.

"Peter's still in a meeting," he mumbles once I'm standing in front of the doors.

I stop my steps and look down at him. "_Ok..?"_

He looks up. "I figured you're here to see Peter."

"Yes…" I answer hesitantly. "I am. You're here for… _Peter _too?"

He grins ironically. "Nope."

I only need a second before I realize. Laura. Really? So the second date is tonight. "Ah…"

"They're both in the _same _meeting." The obvious irony in his voice is still an understatement for the irony of the situation. This is awkward. Bad timing never applied to a situation as well as to this one. I sit down on the other side of the same bench. We don't say anything and just stare at the same wall together. He's tapping his foot and it's making me nervous. God. Let's just try to have a conversation. _Say something Alicia. _

"So, a celebration for making it through the more _difficult times _huh," I try.

"Yeah," he responds with a sigh. "Diane says it's important for _morale." _He pronounces it like he just said something disgusting._ "_I guess she's right."

I nod. "Team spirit, huh?" I look at him.

He nods again and chews on his bottom lip. His lips are cracked. His stare is still fixed on the wall in front of us.

"Laura walked up to me," I suddenly blurt out. "After court," I add.

That definitely got his attention. He turns his face towards me, for the first time since I sat down. He looks concerned. I'm taken aback by the fact that our eyes meet. That he's not just staring straight through me. A small smile escapes from my lips. However, I don't get one in return. I need to explain myself, I realize.

"She _updated _me and thanked me for my… advice."

"Advice?" He repeats dryly.

I try to think of how to tackle this one. I think he needs to know she's trying to be friends with me. I want him to know anyway. And I need to make sure he won't tell her about us.

"The night at the police station…" My voice is soft. "Laura asked meif you were seeing any one. And… I told her I thought you'd be _receptive._"

"Alicia, please." He mutters. He stares at the ground, shaking his head. He doesn't want to talk about this. He doesn't want me to interfere. I understand. But I still need to tell him that she considers me a friend. I want to, anyway. And I need to make sure that she won't find out about us.

"I don't want to be intrusive Will. It's just that she wanted to have lunch with me today, she proposed to have drinks together, she's making an effort to be my _friend_."

He just shakes his head and gets up from the bench. His back is towards me as he takes a few steps away from me. His hands in the pockets of his coat. The fact that he just walked away from me confuses me and I lose track of what I'm saying. I need his eyes.

"It's none of my business," I continue in an attempt to make it better. "I _know _that. At one point she'll want to know why I react as reserved as I do. She'll ask you."

He doesn't turn around.

"And if it gets out…" I continue. I shake my head at the thought and sigh deeply. "Does she know about us?

He stands there for a while. He turns back half way and stares out in to the hall way. "No. She doesn't." His voice sounds bitter. "Is there anything else you need to know?"

"No…" I sigh slighty annoyed. Then the door of the office swings open and Peter walks out.

"Sorry honey, thanks for waiting." He kisses me on the cheek. He then notices Will. "And good to see you too."

Will gives him an acknowledging nod.

"Let's go," I say as I get up. "We're late. Good night Will." I glance at Will but he doesn't give me anything in response. He just closes his coat and sits back down on the bench, waiting for Laura.

Peter wraps one arm around me as we walk out of the office. As we head out the hall way, I hear voices. I look back, and see that Laura also came outside. She gives him a quick kiss.

I'm happy for him. Truly, I am. She is such a nice woman; good at her job, beautiful, humorous. I smile as I think of how she tricked me into thinking she had a motorcycle. I want to see Will happy. And I know he hasn't been since the day I told him that I couldn't do it anymore. It had been a long time.

"I was thinking," Peter starts as we walk to the car.

"What?"

"You should come home with me tonight. Zach and Grace will be there too. We can have a night in, the four of us.

I smile. "That's sounds nice Peter."

"I thought so," he grins.

It does. It sounds nice. It sounds like old times, like how we used to be as a family. But we're not anymore, I realize. "I don't think we should. I don't want to disappoint the kids. I don't want to give them the wrong idea."

"I thought it was the right idea, that we were doing better?" He stops his steps when we reach the car. The driver gets out but Peter gestures him to wait.

"I thought that too Peter. Honestly, I did. But I need more time. Let's just wait. And let's just go the dinner now and enjoy ourselves."

He scratches his head. "Alicia. This is not the time to wait."

"Yes it is," I reply. "You'll have to be patient. I have to ask you that. I need to figure things out."

I reach out to open the door of the car but he grabs my hand. "Alicia. What is going on? Is this about Will? Did he say something to you?"

I think of how to respond. I don't even know myself. I just know that I can't be with Peter tonight.

"It's about a lot of things."

He shakes his head in disbelief and walks to the other side of the car to get in. The driver is about to get out to hold the door for me, but I ignore him and get in myself. There we are, next to each other in a car on our way to another campaign meeting.

If Peter wins, we'll be the most powerful couple in Chicago, I realize. It excites me and makes me feel proud. Proud of what we went through together. Proud of my children and how I raised them. But then again, the idea of living in our house in Highland Park doesn't only remind me of the good times. It reminds me of a lot of hurt, too. I don't think I can handle any more of that. I grew stronger, I became independent and I take good care of myself. I don't know if I can still be his wife. Maybe I changed too much.

I catch my own reflection in the dark of the night. I look into my own eyes. You did. You changed. You can try to work things out, but who says you will. Who says you want to? I'm not a hundred percent commited to this. I know that. And I should be.

I take a deep breath in and think of the man who is not sitting next to me right now. Who never will sit next to me if I go home with Peter tonight and if we move back in together. I made a mistake, I realize. I was wrong. I couldn't just decide to end my feelings for Will. I couldn't just decide to change who I had become.

I tried to fight it. I did my very best. But my mind can no longer keep up with my heart and it tortures me. I'm not sure what this means. I don't know if this means I'm in love with Will. I just know that this is not who I want to be anymore. I want to live a life that I can be proud of. I don't think this is it. Maybe I should find the courage to start all over again.

Peter's hand finds mine. Reluctantly I let him hold me. His thumb runs over my hand, telling me he's sorry. And at that moment, I wonder if I'll ever find that courage.

**To be continued...**

_Preview for next chapter: _It's the night of the celebration at Lockhart/Gardner...

I would love to receive some reviews and hear from all the followers :) thank you so much!


	5. Wait A Little Longer

**A/N:** Thank you for all your lovely reviews, also for my other one shot! I'm very excited about this chapter and what's ahead, I hope you are too, let me know :)  
**Disclaimer: **Could only wish I owned any of it, but I don't.  
**Summary:** Come back here, I try to tell her with my eyes. Walk back. Just one or two steps closer. Don't leave. Let me hold you. Let me give you a kiss. Let me wipe the raindrops off your cheeks. Let me cup your face in my hands and tell you we're all right. But she just stands there. She feels it too. I know she does. She knows what my eyes are asking from her. The tension is killing me.

* * *

**To Keep The Good Alive**

Chapter 5 – Wait A Little Longer

_Wait a little longer. You'll see, everything gets stronger if you wait a little longer. Love will find it's way to you. Love will wait for you._ – Stevie Ann (Love Will Wait For You)

2:59 AM.

The red numbers of my alarm clock never lie. I take a deep breath and close my eyes again.

_Fall asleep Will. _

Nothing happens. Of course nothing happens. I haven't slept all night and I'm not going to any time soon. I turn on my back once more and stare at the ceiling.

The fact that Laura is fast asleep next to me isn't helping. She shouldn't have stayed. It had been nice though, this evening. After dinner in town I invited her over for drinks. Maybe I shouldn't have, but we were flirting shamelessly and I liked it. I knew this was not going to turn into anything steady with her, but for the time being, I was enjoying myself.

Either way, she shouldn't have stayed. Not that I could have asked her to go home at 2:00 AM in the morning. It's just that I never like the waking up part the next day. Not if it's not anything special. And no matter how much I would like this to be something special, it's not.

_Fall asleep Will._

My mouth feels dry. I should drink something. This isn't going to work, I realize as I look back at the alarm.

3:03 AM.

I get up and grab my white shirt that I find on the ground. In just that and briefs I head out to my kitchen. I don't even bother to turn the lights on. I just grab a glass from the cabinet and fill it with water. I lean against the kitchen counter and drink up the water in one go. Now I really am awake. Great.

I look around my apartment. It really does look like no one lives there. Laura said so when she walked in. She was right. I'm never here, really. At the end of the day I like to hang around in my office a little longer, evaluating the day. I'm usually the last one to leave. You'd think that I'm avoiding going home. I'm not. I don't think so anyway.

I slowly walk up to my couch and lie down. I let out another yawn. My body is yearning for some sleep, but my mind is not letting me. The fact that I'm lying on my couch while there's a woman in my own bed with whom I just had sex doesn't help much. I wish I felt the yearning to lie down next to her. To wrap my arm around her and to hold her close. But something keeps me from doing that.

_Someone _Will.

I know that.

Maybe it's an unfair comparison. I tried not to, but I am. _Comparing_. Am I enjoying myself just as much? Am I feeling the same about her? It's unfair to do so. Laura will never match up to her. Maybe no one ever will.

Wow. Great job depressing yourself Will. I should enjoy the fact that there's a gorgeous, intelligent and sweet woman sleeping in my bed.

3:29 AM.

No surprise.

I sigh deeply and rub my eyes with the back of my hand. What a night. This is going to be a tough day and a long one too. For the third time, I close my eyes.

6:30 AM.

Somewhere far away, I hear someone say my name.

"Will? Will, wake up. It's 6:30 already."

Suddenly my eyes shoot open. Laura is standing in front of me, dressed and ready to leave. God. I must have fallen asleep after all.

"I almost thought you left," she says with a gentle smile.

"No… no," I get up immediately. "I couldn't sleep so I just got myself some water. I must have dozed off."

As I get up I notice that all the muscles in my neck are aching. I groan and rub the back of my neck.

"I should probably go," she says as she swings her bag over her shoulder.

"Yeah… I didn't mean to… Fall asleep right here."

"I know. It was a weird night."

I give her an apologizing smile. "I had a good time."

"I don't think we should be doing this again though," she smirks.

That's odd. Did she just end it right here? "You're… probably right," I just say in reply.

"We'll see each other in court then?"

"Definitely," I smile. I watch her head out the hall way to the elevator. Clearly, I wasn't the only one feeling uncomfortable. That's a relief. Still I'm sad that it didn't work out. Nothing seems to work out these days.

Cut the crap Will. Take a shower and get dressed.

9:30 PM

A shocking fifteen later hours later, our little party is actually progressing well. Diane had decided to throw the party on the 27th floor, as a symbol for our return. I'm leaning against the staircase, observing our partners and associates having a good time. Diane was right, it has been a rough year and it is good to celebrate.

There's one person in particular I have been observing all evening. It's hardly a surprise. It's her. Of course it's her. It's always her

"Hey Will, you OK?" It's Cary.

I quickly take my eyes off Alicia. I must have been staring. "Yes. I'm fine! You?"

He nods. "We were thinking of heading to the bar across the street in a few minutes, have some drinks there? It's starting to calm down here anyway," he gestures at the crowd that has clearly thinned out. I hadn't even noticed.

"Ah sorry man, I don't know. I didn't sleep well tonight."

"Tomorrow is a Saturday," he teases.

I grin and take a sip from my beer. "Who's joining you?"

"Kalinda, Robyn, a few of the associates..."

I nod. I look at Alicia. Would she be joining them too? "That's all?" I ask.

He looks at the crowd. "Yeah, I think so."

That disappoints me. It makes me want to say no.

"OK," I say instead. After my melodramatic moment last night, I might as well have a good time this evening. I have nothing to lose. "Let me get my things from my office. I'll be right back."

Cary gives me a wide grin. "At least one name partner knows how to party."

I shake my head laughing and head up the stairs. The floor is emptied out and dark. It's quiet. I like the office best when it's like that. Back in my office I get into my bath room and splash some water in my face in an attempt to refresh myself. I look at myself in the mirror. I still look tired. I go through my hair with my hand in attempt to make it look better. _That's not helping, _I mumble to myself. I head back in to my office to get my stuff. As I'm shutting down my laptop, I suddenly hear an all too familiar voice.

"You're not working, are you?"

I look up. It's Alicia, standing in my doorway, her coat in her hands. That's unexpected. She looks a little nervous herself.

I smile at her. "No, I'm not that pathetic."

"That's a relief," she jokes.

Then we both fall silent for a minute. It's surreal, almost. To stand here together. Even though there's a good distance between the doorway and me behind my desk, it's been a long time since we've been together like this. The melancholic look in her eyes tells me she's thinking the same thing.

"How are you doing Will?"

Good question. I don't know. I walk around my desk and lean against the front of it. "I'm all right," I answer.

She nods and fumbles a little with her car keys. She thinks of what to say next. I just wait patiently. Then she speaks again.

"I should apologize for the other day. When I started about Laura. I hope I didn't do—"

"Don't worry about it," I interrupt her. "Really. I actually think we ended it today."

"Oh Will, I'm so sorry to hear that."

"Oh, no it's fine," I brush it off. Are you going home?" I ask, gesturing at the car keys in her hand.

"Yeah… I think so."

"You should join us."

"No, I really think I should get home."

I fall silent. Should I try to convince her to join us? I don't want to make her feel uncomfortable. Thinking of what to say, I look in her eyes. Is she really going home?

"It really would be nice if you'd come too," I finally dare to say. It just rolled over my lips. My voice sounds sweet. I intended to sound more casual. Too late now.

She just gives me a weak smile in return and looks away for a moment. Why are you here Alicia, I wonder. You came to my office for a reason. Just let it go, tell me.

"I wanted to see you." She suddenly says, as if she reads my mind.

"Why?" I ask, trying to act indifferently. Of course I'm horribly failing, she must be able to see the eagerness in my eyes.

"Because I miss you."

A lump forms in my throat. Wow. Did she really just say that? Her cheeks flush red.

"Isn't that what you wanted?" I answer carefully.

"No." She answers. "I mean, yes… I know. That's what I said. I needed to see how it would feel. To end… _us_. All together."

My mouth opens but nothing comes out. I'm taken aback by the sudden honesty. She really is opening up. This is actually happening.

"And?" I ask carefully. My voice is hoarse.

She sighs.

I can feel my heartbeat, slow and steady against my chest. I stare at her, intensely. She looks back at me, desperate almost.

"I hate it." Her voice cracks. She's still looking straight at me.

I want to walk over to her. Hold her, kiss her, lift her up. But I don't. I realize we're in dangerous territory here. I need to be careful. I think of what to say. How not to cross any boundaries. But didn't she just cross them right there? Am I free to say whatever I feel right now? I'm about to walk over to her and tell her I hated it too, but then we're interrupted.

"Will?" That's Cary, heading up the stairs. "You still here? Cause we're about to leave."

I quickly push myself away from the desk to grab my coat. Alicia nervously turns around, back into the hall way.

"Yeah!" I shout back. "I'll be right there." I throw on my coat and look back at Alicia. Her cheeks are still flushed.

"Join us." I just say, as I stand in front of her. She seems to be considering it. "

She looks back at me. Then she rolls her eyes. "One drink."

Yes! I think to myself. "Of course," I grin. "That's how it always starts."

11:50 PM.

Two hours passed since we arrived at the bar. I'm leaning against the wall, drinking my beer.

"You're doing a lot of observing tonight," Kalinda says as she walks over to me.

I grin and take another sip of my beer. "Well, I'm the boss. I have to oversee everyone," I joke.

"Ah…" she responds. We both stare at the bar, Alicia is sitting there with Robyn, seemingly having a good time.

"How are you?"

"Me? I'm all right," she answers, her eyes avoiding mine.

"How is working in pairs nowadays?"

"It's…_different._"

"Is she good?"

"We'll have to find out."

I nod. "Yeah."

Then Robyn gets up and heads to the ladies room. Alicia looks around and spots the both of us.

"I spy an empty seat," Kalinda says and gives me a daring look.

I just shake my head and take another sip from my beer.

"Didn't you two used to do tequila shots?"

I give her a long look. "Didn't you two do that too?"

She smiles weakly. "That's a long time ago. Take the seat. I have to go home anyway." And with that she heads out.

I don't have time to process that, because she's right. Alicia is right there, and the seat is free. So I do as Kalinda suggested and walk over to her.

"How is your first drink going?" I say as I sit down next to her.

She laughs. "I don't remember."

I smirk. "We haven't talked all night."

"I know." Her smile changes into a soft stare.

"I feel like apologizing to you. I've been acting weird the past weeks"

"Will. Don't apologize for any of it. I made things… complicated."

I look in her dark brown eyes. She's right. But I don't blame her. Not right now anyway. I haven't seen her face as soft and relaxed as tonight. It's also for the first time since I don't know how long that we're actually in a bar together, having something that appears to be a good time.

Then the barman comes over to us. "Your friend asked me to give you these," he says as he slides two small shot glasses in our direction.

"Who?" Alicia asks. I quickly scan the bar. She's gone already. But then I spot Cary, with his typical grin on his face. She asked him to order them for us, she must have.

"Cary," I just answer. I get the hint.

"Well, let's do this," I say and tap some salt on the back of her hand.

"This is definitely gonna be my last one," she grins as she takes the glass.

"You said it."

We drink the tequila, bite the lime and laugh. God, this reminds me of that one night. She's thinking the same thing. I can see it in her eyes.

"I still hate it," I grin as I wipe the lime juice of my mouth.

She laughs again. I love to see her like this.

"Could it always be this nice?" I ask. It's out before I realize.

"I don't know," she sighs.

"It's dangerous, isn't it."

She nods. "Yes."

"That's why you said you decided to end it."

"That was the plan," she says and plays with the empty shot glass. "Plans often don't work out like you wanted them to," she then adds.

She gives me a look I find hard to place. It's one that I haven't seen for a long time. Soft and endearing. Beautiful really.

"Do you have a plan B?" I say as I look into her eyes.

She doesn't answer that one. "Do you?," she just asks in return.

"Well. I'm not the best with the _plans, _am I?_" _I say ironically.

A sad smile creeps up on her face. She knows what I'm hitting at. I just stare at the bitten piece of lime in front of me. Here we are again, I think to myself. The tension is building up once more, as it always does when we're this close and open up.

She glances at her watch. "O God, I should go home."

Don't leave. I think to myself. Let's stay here. Let's just sit her until tomorrow morning. Talking. I like this. But again, I don't say anything. It's a rarity this conversation even happened, I shouldn't push this and just enjoy it for what it is.

"Yes, I should too," is all I say instead.

We get our coats and walk outside, but stop our steps when we notice that it's raining.

"_Great," _Alicia mutters.

"Hey, one cab over there," I say as I spot the car on the corner of the street. "You get that one. I'll wait for the next."

"Will…"

"Well, one of us will have to wait. Go."

She rolls her eyes. "All right then. Good night."

"You too," I answer.

She nods again and then turns around. She starts to walk away. I don't want her to leave.

"Alicia."

She turns back around, arches her brow. Waiting for me to explain why I said her name after saying good night.

"Thank you," I just say. "For coming up to my office. I'm glad that happened."

She nods in return. "Me too."

And here we are. In the middle of the street, in the rain. The two of us. I give her smile.

Come back here, I try to tell her with my eyes. Walk back. Just one or two steps closer. Don't leave. Let me hold you. Let me give you a kiss. Let me wipe the raindrops off your cheeks. Let me cup your face in my hands and tell you we're all right.

But she just stands there. She feels it too. I know she does. She knows what my eyes are asking from her. The tension is killing me. Should I walk up to her instead? I don't know.

"Go. Get the cab. You're getting cold," I say instead.

She smiles. "OK then. Good night, Will."

"Good night."

I watch her cross the street and get in the cab, and I just stare at her until the car is out of sight. And just like that, she's gone again. My neck still hurts.

**To be continued...**

_Preview for next chapter: _Picks up right after, Alicia in the cab. She's going to make some decisions.

I would love to receive some reviews again, and hear from the followers :) I get so happy whenever I receive them!


	6. Plan B

**A/N:** Thank you all so much for your very kind responses and reviews! This chapter isn't high on the A/W dialogue, but this needed to be written in order to continue. Hope you enjoy. Alicia's definitely making choices now, whether she likes it or not.  
**Disclaimer: **Could only wish I owned any of it, but I don't.  
**Summary:** I played by the rules. We both did. I'm exceptionally good at doing so. But lately, I've started to wonder whose rules they were to begin with. They were mine, of course. But even though I changed as a person, I never allowed my rules to change with me. And it's about time that they do because they're about to expire.

* * *

**To Keep The Good Alive**

Chapter 6 – Plan B

_Even though you may want to move forward in your life, you may have one foot on the brakes. In order to be free, we must learn how to let go. Release the hurt. Release the fear. Refuse to entertain your old pain. The energy it takes to hang onto the past is holding you back from a new life. _- Mary Manin Morrissey

**- Saturday, 00:30 AM**

"Go. Get the cab. You're getting cold," he had finally told me.

I was a little disappointed; nothing else was going to happen. But we both knew that, it was no surprise. We just needed a moment to acknowledge that. We were having a good time, and nothing more. That's what we wanted. That's what being _friends _is all about, after all. But I had a hard time adjusting.

I offered him a smile. "OK then. Good night, Will," I replied. I forced myself to turn around, away from him. Not that I wanted to. Of course not. But it's what I needed to do. I played by the rules. We both did.

I'm exceptionally good at doing so. But lately, I've started to wonder whose rules they were to begin with. They were mine, of course. But even though I changed as a person, I never allowed my rules to change with me. And it's about time that they do because they're about to expire.

Now, I'm in the cab. I turn around, to see if I can still see Will through the rear window. There he is. Just standing there, looking at the car. He looks good. He always looks good. It's distracting. I let out a sigh and turn back on my seat.

I can still taste the tequila. When he tapped the salt on my hand, I couldn't help to think of that one evening. So did he, I'm sure. I could see it in his eyes. Oh, that night. I had been so nervous… it was ridiculous. But he calmed me down and we broke every rule in the book. And good God, it was worth it. And that's an understatement.

I told him I missed him, I suddenly realize I said that out loud. So much for playing by the rules Alicia. My cheeks flush at the thought, but it was the truth and I needed to tell him that. I don't regret it. And it could have been worse. If it hadn't been for Cary… I know Will was about to walk up to me. And if he hadn't, I probably would have. Because I've been on fire when it comes down to Will for the past days. And three wines in, I suddenly found the courage to act upon it. I'm glad I did. It was worth it, and it was needed. We needed this evening.

But for what though? We'll never be able to fully embrace the moment. I have to pace myself. I have to think through every single step because I know that it only takes one extra step, one extra second to act upon it. It's frustrating and it saddens me. I'm on edge when I'm around him and I don't want to be.

And it's not just around Will. I'm on edge all the time. I'm playing by the rules _all _the time. And I want to let go. For a long time I thought I was all right, that Peter and I would work things out and that in the end, things would go back to normal. But life doesn't work that way. Things changed.

_I_ changed.

I'm a different person than I was four years ago. I used to think that as long as I would make rational decisions, I could keep control of everything in my life and in my family. But I learned that in the end, the only person I can control is myself. And even that seems hard to do these days.

Then my phone buzzes. 'Got myself a cab! Had a great time tonight. See you Monday.'

My heart starts beating like crazy. This is absurd. I'm overreacting, I know I am, but I can't help to smile at the text. It means the world. I wasn't the only one thinking that tonight changed something. We've opened up again. And he was right in telling me that it's dangerous. Because it is, especially now. I take a deep breath and put my phone back. I have all sorts of responses in my mind, but I shouldn't. Not now. Not now.

I have tomorrow to make up my mind. And then, Peter will be here to talk our plans through. And if I want to say what I've been wanting to say for months, I'll have to do it now.

**- Sunday, 05:00 PM**

"We need to talk." Peter tells me as he sits down on the couch next to me. He's still wearing his suit from church, he looks good.

"I know," I reply. "I'm sorry I haven't been around much for the campaign."

"Don't be sorry. You've been working, I get that."

I smile and sit back a little. "Still, I want to be there for you. Tell me what I can do."

"You know what I'm going to ask."

"Yes," I nod. "An interview. I'll do it."

He smiles at me. "You'll do great. You've always done great with these things."

"You're gonna win this," I tell him.

"Maybe," he chuckles and then averts his gaze. "They will ask you about Springfield."

"I know," I sigh.

"And?"

I don't answer.

"I know you want to stay here," he continues. "And I think you should. You're doing great at the firm, you have a life here. I don't want you to give up any of that."

"Ok."

"But we both know how that will translate. They'll say we're not committed to make our marriage work."

I nod.

"But we are. Making it work, right?"

"Peter, I…" I think of what to say, and how to say it.

"Look." He interrupts me and reaches for my hand. Reluctantly I led him hold me. He turns his head towards me and looks in my eyes. "I know that you still doubt my intentions. I know you do. But I _am _committed to you. And to no one else."

I just inhale deeply and fear for what is coming next.

"I want you to know that," he continues.

I nod. "I know." My voice is weak, unconvincing.

He sighs and leans in, strokes my cheek. "I know I messed up, but I _changed_. And I've been thinking of ways to show you how serious I am about you and I."

I'm not really responding to any of it. I get my mouth to curl into a smile, but my eyes don't play along. He cups my hands in his and looks deeply into my eyes. For a moment I think he's going to see the look in my eyes. That I betrayed him, that I kissed Will again, that I'm thinking of Will, but then he says something that blows my mind.

"Let's renew our vows."

I just stare back at him. Nothing else. My mind is blank for a second. I thought about a lot of possibilities, how to tackle this conversation, but not this. How should I respond to this one? This is too much. I can't do this. I can't say no but I sure as hell can't say yes. I try to be rational. _Think _Alicia, stay calm. But emotion rushes over me. I close my eyes and feel tears burning in my eyes. When I open them again I let out a shivery breath.

He still gives me that intense stare. There's so much love and hope in his eyes. It breaks my heart. But I don't know what to say. Not after everything I have been thinking about for the last months, the last few days especially. I decided to go with plan B when the time was right, but this didn't fit in.

I look at him, and for a moment I really try to say yes. In his eyes I see the past. It's the look on his face when he held Zach for the first time, it's the look that he gave me when we married. I feel a hot tear running down my cheek.

"Please, say yes," he whispers.

My chest tightens so bad that it hurts. I swallow away the tears and then slowly pull back my hand from his grip. I avert my gaze. "I'm sorry Peter." And with that I get up. I don't know where to go or what to say. This is all happening too fast. I head out to the kitchen. I press my hands on the countertop and stare at the sink. I hear him following me.

"Alicia…"

"Give me a moment," I reply softly. I'm panicking. A million thoughts flash through my mind. This is an ultimatum. My heart is racing against my chest. I can't say yes. It's not fair. Not to Peter, not to the kids, not to me. But if I say no… then everything goes to waste right now. Isn't that what I wanted? I don't know. I don't want to decide now. I thought I could but I don't want to. This is too much.

I feel him coming closer to me. He stands behind me. He places one hand on my arm, the other on my shoulder. "I didn't mean to upset you," he mumbles.

"I know. I just…" I shrug off his hands and wrap my hands around my body.

"Is this a no?" He sounds tense.

I don't respond.

He lets out a deep sigh and I hear him sit down on one of the bar stools.

As I turn around, I see him sitting there. Defeated. His head in his hands.

"You know what your mother told me?" I hear him mumble. He doesn't look up. His hands in his hair.

I don't want to know. "Don't get my mother involved in this Peter, please."

He looks up to me. "She said you would never divorce me." He grins cynically.

I roll my eyes.

"And that I need to let you go. Maybe she was right, huh?"

I shake my head. "Peter. Please."

We don't say anything for a minute or two. Silent tears stream down my cheeks. I'm not really crying, the tears are just rolling down. I'm cold. He just sits there, hands in his hair, staring down.

I don't blame him for doing this. I get it. It's a nice idea and I understand why he thought of it. But what upsets me most, is that it's so incredibly out of sync with reality. I know I haven't shared as much of my thoughts as I perhaps should have, I know he had a hard time understanding me but then still… _still… _The sadness and complete shock I was just feeling is starting to be replaced by an uncontrollable anger and frustration. I can't believe this. I suddenly realize he's given me an ultimatum. This is a final offer. And clearly, I am supposed to take it. And that's what makes this horribly unfair. This has nothing to do with _trying. _This is forcing me to either go all in or go all out and it upsets me. I feel attacked.

"Why are you doing this?" I mutter.

He slowly looks up to me. His deep brown eyes and his strong face look up to me. He's offended, clearly. No words.

"Why are you making _me _do this?" I ask again.

"To make you CHOOSE!" He slams his fist on the table.

I'm taken aback by his sudden outburst. And then I realize, he's right. It's what I've been telling myself for months now. And it's what I've been avoiding at all costs.

"You're right," I reply. "You're right." I swallow away the tears. This is not an unfair ultimatum, I realize. This is the issue. And he addressed it.

I look at the man I loved for many years. The man who hurt me and ripped my heart apart. The man who humiliated me. The man who showed so much regret and tried so hard to change for me. To make it better.

"We grew apart Peter," I mumble softly. "We hold too many grudges. We both do."

He's shaking his head, not ready to accept any of that. "No." He sounds firm. Then he gets up, heads in to the bedroom and shuts the door.

I inhale a deep breath and try to think clearly. I don't want to fight about this. We shouldn't fight about this. I walk over to the living room and curl up in the chair. I stare at our coffee cups that are still on the side table, still there, like nothing happened. I try to clear my mind. He is right. I need to choose. Move on or stay with him. The fact that I see leaving him as moving on says enough, I know that. I feel bad for what just happened. I don't want us to go down like this.

I consider getting up and going to him, but then I hear him opening the door himself. He walks back to the living room and sits down on the couch in front of me.

"So what does this say about us?" His voice is hoarse. "If you can't renew our vows, what does that say about us?"

Tears well up in my eyes again. "Peter…"

"If you can't renew our vows, then our _marriage _is worthless. Is that what you want?"

"It's never what I wanted Peter," I answer. "But… it _happened._ And I can't go back to fix it. I'm sorry," I'm crying now. "I'm so sorry. It hurts too much."

Then he stands up again. A minute later I hear him shut the front door. He left.

**- Monday 02:00 PM**

The next day, I'm sitting behind my desk, feeling absolutely horrible. I haven't eaten anything today, I screwed up in court and now I need to get work done and it's just not happening.

Peter came back, about half an hour later. I was still sitting in the chair, my face burning with tears. I got up, we held each other and then we started talking. I told him I would still do the interview, that I would be his wife and that I'd be with him up until the election night. Because I want to. I want to be there for him, he deserves that.

What we'll do afterwards, and when we will make it final is something we're going to hold off for at least after the elections. Then we'll talk to the kids. I'm going to break their heart, I know it. My whole body is aching when I just think of that conversation.

"Alicia?"

I'm waken up back to reality. It's Will.

I don't say anything, just give some sort of weak smile in response.

"Are you all right? You seemed off your game in court."

"I'm so sorry," I sigh. "I know."

"Is this because of Friday night?" He takes a step into my office and closes the door

I don't respond. Friday night was perfect, I think to myself.

"I guess I shouldn't have… asked you to join us. And…"

"Will." I interrupt him. "Friday night was great. I had a great time."

"Ok," he nods. He seems relieved by that. "Are you sure you're all right?"

I give him another reassuring smile. "Yes. There's just… a lot going on." I can't do this right now.

He tilts his head and looks me in my eyes. "You don't want to talk to me about it, do you?"

"Will… I _want _to. But I can't." Please understand.

"Ok. I get it." He seems disappointed.

"Ok. See you later." And he's off.

I don't know what to do anymore. This is all getting too complicated. Why did I ever think that separating from Peter would make me feel better? I feel horrible. And now I hurt Will, too. I can't do this. Not right now. I need time on my own. God, I'm just so _scared._

Now I fear the future as much as I fear the past and it's killing me.

Where do we go from here?

**To be continued...**

_Preview for next chapter: _Two weeks pass, and it's Alicia's first day back at work after the elections. What is she going to tell Will as he walks in to congratulate her?

I would love to receive some reviews again, and hear from the followers :) I get so happy whenever I receive them!


	7. Give Me Some Time

**A/N:** Thank you all so much for your very kind responses and reviews!  
**Disclaimer: **Could only wish I owned any of it, but I don't.  
**Summary:** I could have wrapped an arm around her, but I'm glad I didn't. She would have hugged me, probably. I know that if I would have leaned in, she might as well have kissed me. Because she's sad and because she's lost. So this is all I do right now. It's the best I can. I just stand next to her, holding her hand. And she's letting me. I don't ask for anything more. Not now.

* * *

**To Keep The Good Alive**

Chapter 7 – Give Me Some Time

_Don't bend me or I will break. Come find me somewhere between my dreams, with the sun on my face. I will still feel it later on, but for now I'd rather be asleep. _- Norah Jones

I walk to the fridge to get myself a beer. As I hold the cold bottle in my hand, the news tune starts. The results are in. I realize I need something stronger, so I put the bottle back where it was and pour myself some scotch instead.

I don't even know why I bothered turning on the TV. Reluctantly, I head back to the couch and sit back down. I could just turn it off, read a book. But I don't because I want to know and I just want to see… _her._

I'm not even listening to anything the news anchors or the reporter are saying. It's a tight race, that's for sure. And if anyone out there wasn't sure what to vote, Alicia convinced them with her stunning interview last night. She answered each question perfectly with confidence, grace and humor. She must have mesmerized everyone watching, me definitely. Peter is lucky with having Alicia by his side, everyone loves her. Who wouldn't?

There she is. I spot her, decently composed next to Peter. Waiting for the results. The voice of the reporter annoys me so I just mute the sound. Then I just watch her, standing there next to him. She looks impeccable. Her lips are tight. One hand holding Peter's, the other flat against her hip. The dark blue dress fits her like a glove, decent but yet gorgeous.

But it's a role she's playing. I can tell. I never really understood why she is the way she is. Why she made the choices she made in her life. I know her as the feisty lawyer, with wit and charm. She let her personality shine through in the interview, but it's always reserved and calculated. I get why she's like that on TV, who wouldn't be, but I don't get why is on the TV in the first place. Next to him. I mean I get it, I know it all too well.

But I decide to enjoy the view while it lasts. It's ironic how she's right in my own house at the moment, full screen, but further away than ever before.

Then suddenly both their faces light up, smiles appear. Relief. I completely forgot I muted the sound, I was just simply observing Alicia. Peter won. He must have. I don't bother to turn up the volume because it's all too clear. There's a hug, a kiss, cheering… He won. 'Peter Florrick wins' slides through the screen. Then Alicia lips curl into a smile for the camera, but I notice that her one free hand is now clinched and her eyes don't seem to smile along. In fact, her eyes tell me a whole different story. They look sad and afraid, and for one split second they seem to look straight at me.

I'm torturing myself. She's not looking at me, I know that. And she doesn't look sad, just overwhelmed. I'm seeing things that aren't there any more. I thought I saw them that Friday night, but I now remember what that's called: wishful thinking.

The next day, I'm stuck in court all morning. Around lunch time, I finally manage to get out of there and head back to my office. As I'm in the elevator taking me upstairs, I wonder if Alicia is even in today. I wouldn't be surprised if she's taken the day off.

"Is Alicia in?" I ask our receptionist.

"Yes, she's in her office," she responds.

"Thank you." I walk over to Alicia's office. I should congratulate her.

As I walk by, I see her leaning against her desk, staring outside her window. Her back towards me.

I knock on her door. No response. Maybe she's on the phone? I can't tell. I knock again. Still, no response.

I open the door just a little bit, "Hi," I announce myself carefully. "Congratulations."

Startled she turns around, her hand on her chest. "Hey," I get back in a flat voice. I look into two very narrow eyes. She looks exhausted, nothing like how composed and put together she looked yesterday. "Sorry I didn't… hear."

"I can imagine your mind is someplace else," I smile. "I didn't think you'd come in. Long night?"

She gives me some sort of nod and turns back to the window. This is slightly awkward. I'm not sure whether to stay or leave. I just stand there, in the middle of her office, staring at her back.

"If this is a bad time then…"

"No," she mumbles as she gets up and turns around. "Sorry. I didn't get any sleep, I'm a little… out of it," she sighs.

I give her a sympathetic smile. I feel for her. She looks absolutely drained. "You know, you should take a couple of days," I offer her.

"No, I'm fine."

"Can I sit down?" I ask.

"Yes. Of course."

I sit down on her couch, she still stands there near the window. "I'm sorry to do this right now, but there's a partner meeting this Friday, they'll want to know what you're going to do, too."

"I know," she nods slowly.

"Like I said," I continue. "Take a couple of days."

"That's really not necessary," she replies blankly, staring outside once again.

"Look, I know you probably thought about it already, but take your time. We don't want you to make any rushed decisions. It's just with the fourth year associates… They're on edge. If you could let us know by the end of the week, that's…-

"I'm not going," she mumbles.

I'm not sure if I heard her right. She clears her throat and then turns around to me.

"I'm not going with Peter." Louder this time. I don't really know how to respond.

"Ok…" I just mutter. "Are you sure?"

She gives me a cynical grin in response and turns back to the window. Nothing else. What's going on with you, I think to myself. You're not just tired. There's more to it. And she knows I can tell. She's not trying to hide it, not effectively anyway. I can't see her face but it's just the way she's standing there, away from me, not looking at me… Something's up.

I don't know if I even should ask any further, but it feels wrong to just get up and leave.

"That must have been difficult," I try.

"Yeah well… we separated," she tries to sound unemotional, like it's just a random comment. Her body is still turned away from me. Did I hear that right? Am I even supposed to hear this? I don't think she wanted me to know this. I shouldn't have asked, probably.

"Alicia…"

I see her hand go up to her face, I hear her catch her breath. Is she crying? I just sit there, watching her back. I feel terrible for her. When did this happen? Last night or earlier? Did he make the move or did she? I can't imagine that this is happening. It happened before, and I have wanted it to happen. Of course, I always hoped that one day, she would make that choice but that was just purely out of self-interest. I have always known that a decision like that would break her heart. I know she has tried everything, also when it came down to me, to prevent their marriage from ending. So what do I do now? Walk over to her? I probably shouldn't.

She sighs deeply and turns around towards me, trying to compose herself. Her eyes are watery. "Please. Don't tell anyone. You can't tell anyone. No one can know."

I nod, trying to reassure her. "Alicia, of course not. I won't."

She seems relieved at that and gives me something that is supposed to look like a smile.

"Are you OK?"

"Yeah. Just tired."

She's lying. "Go home. Take the day off. We'll manage."

"No, I'm fine. I don't want to sit at home, I want to work."

"Ok." I look up to her. "If you're not going to take a few days off, at least let me buy you a cup of coffee. Get some fresh air," I try.

She gives me a long look, and I'm not sure what to make of it. I probably shouldn't have offered that.

"It's just coffee," I explain myself. Not that I don't understand her doubt.

Finally, her tired eyes light up a little. "Ok."

Ten minutes later, I look at her as I order us two cups of coffee at the vendor outside. Even though she buried her face in her scarf, she's unable to hide how incredibly tired she looks. She's staring, again.

I'm holding out her cup to her but she doesn't seem to notice. "Here," I say to get her attention.

"God, sorry."

"It's all right," I grin. "Walk to the river and back?"

"Sure," she responds and gives me some sort of smile in return.

I don't really know what to ask. She's completely off her game, nothing like the last time we were together. I put myself in a difficult position by talking to her and then offering her coffee. I have always been the last person she'd talk to about her personal life, especially since we ended… what we had.

So we just walk, and the silence doesn't feel too awkward. I glance at her every once in a while. Alicia's mind is definitely somewhere else, as if she forgot I'm with her. I don't mind. I don't mind whether we talk or not talk, just walking next to her with our cup of coffee feels good. Comfortable. I hope it makes her feel a littleany better. I don't buy that she's fine. No one knows about this, and I know that she put her heart and more into that marriage. I also know what complicated things, the world knows that. And I know the part I played. Or still play. That doesn't matter now. What's most important to her is her family, and she's breaking down now that it's falling apart.

"Sorry, I'm not talking much," she suddenly apologizes.

"It's a nice break from our usually _so_ eloquent conversations," I joke.

She grins at that. "Yeah."

I'm trying to find a way into her thoughts without being pushy or intrusive, because I'm not. I'm interested, I care, but it's hard to convince her that I do. Or better said, she knows that I do but she doesn't want me to care. I'm not supposed to.

I glance at my watch as we reach the river. We have a good ten minutes before we should head back. I lean over the one of banisters, sipping my coffee. So does Alicia. It's up to her to talk, I think. I'll just patiently wait, see what happens.

"Thanks for the tip," she starts.

"What tip?"

"This. _Fresh air._ I've been trapped in clouded press rooms, hotels and cars for the past 48 hours," she sighs. "Felt like I couldn't breathe."

"I'm sure no one noticed. You did great."

"I tried my best."

"You definitely fooled me," I say with a grin as I take a sip from my coffee. "I did think you were off your game though, the past two weeks. You got had me worried."

"Yeah… I couldn't tell anyone."

"I get that."

"I still can't. I shouldn't have told you."

"Alicia. I'm not gonna tell anyone."

"I know. Still."

"Does anyone else know?"

"Owen," she sighs. "But Peter doesn't know that Owen knows and it's just… complicated."

She hasn't looked at me once since we got here. She's just drinking her coffee, staring at the river and the city.

"And the kids?" I ask carefully.

I don't get a response immediately. Not verbally at least. But the grip of her hand around the banister tightens. Then she shakes her head. "No."

I nod at that, not sure what to say. This is a sensitive topic. I know. We're in dangerous territory here and I'm not sure whether to back off or not. I could just say that we should head back. I don't know. But she's so vulnerable right now, and she already let me in so what to do…

I finished my coffee and, so did she. "Let me throw those away," I say and take the cup from her hands. The trash bin is a little further away than I expected. As I walk back, I see Alicia covering her mouth with her hand, shaking. She's crying.

I stand there, lost for words for a moment and now sure how to respond. I just walk back. She looks so incredibly fragile. Seeing her like that, it makes me want to take care of her. I hate to see her hurt.

"God, I'm sorry," she says as I'm back next to her. She quickly wipes the tears off her cheek. "I'm going to break their hearts and I just _can't _stand that feeling and…"

She wraps both her hands around the banisters again for support.

"I know," I say softly.

"I just need to know that it's going to be OK, because if it's not… I don't know what I'm supposed to do…"

Without really realizing what I'm doing, I intuitively reach out to her hand closest to me and wrap mine around hers. She's taken aback by it, winces a little, but she doesn't pull away. We still don't look at each other. Her hand feels cold and soft against mine.

"Alicia. It's going to be OK," I whisper.

I feel her hand relax a little. And like that, we stand there for I don't know how long. I feel like I need to hold her just a little while longer, let her get her strength back. I could have done many things. I could have wrapped an arm around her, but I'm glad I didn't. She would have hugged me, probably. I know that if I would have leaned in, she might as well have kissed me. Because she's sad and because she's lost. So this is all I do right now. It's the best I can. I just stand next to her, holding her hand. And she's letting me. I don't ask for anything more. Not now.

I wouldn't want anything else. I just want her to take her time, get back on her feet. I'll still be there later on, and she knows. I'm not going anywhere.

**To be continued...**

_Preview for next chapter: _We're a few weeks further in time. Alicia is trying to cope with the divorce and the kids. Will there be any room for Will?

I would love to see your reviews and hear from the followers :) Whenever my phone tells me there's a new review I get way too excited!


	8. Reconnecting

**A/N:** Sorry for the late update, I was still processing the season finale (I did upload a one shot, 'we'll never be ready) Thank you all so much for your very kind responses and reviews, keep them coming!  
**Disclaimer: **Could only wish I owned any of it, but I don't.  
**Summary:** "Hi," he says with a smile as I open the door. He looks casual, wearing a simple light blue shirt, jeans and his leather jacket. been a long time since I got to see him like this. "Can I come in?" He grins. Oh God, I must have been staring. Great start, Alicia.  
**Thanks: **To my lovely Beta, Romantic Southerner for great tips and editing!

* * *

**To Keep The Good Alive**

Chapter 8 – Reconnecting

"_Rivers know this: there is no hurry. We shall get there some day."  
– _A.A Milne

7:58 PM.

I honestly don't know if I can do this. I'm sitting on my bed, with a glass of wine and divorce papers in front of me. Once we file them, there is no going back. Peter will release a statement and then… The press will jump right on it. I can already picture the headlines in the newspapers. We are handling this quite well, I think. We met last week and talked everything through. We're not going to fight over custody for Grace. She's going to stay with me, where her school is. She'll visit Peter on the weekends. It's ironic, but Peter and I have never handled anything as gracefully as we're handling this whole divorce. Perhaps we can finally work things out now that the pressure is off of making it work. I don't know. Either way, the divorce is real now that the papers are in front of me, signed and all.

"Mom?" Grace pops around the door. "We're leaving for Dad's in about twenty minutes."

"I know." I smile faintly. "Come here."

She sits down next to me on the bed and observes the papers. "Is it a lot of work?"

I smile at her. "It's a lot of… technicalities."

"Is that why you put it off for so long?"

I look into her questioning eyes. "No," I answer and take her hand.

"But you separated before. Wouldn't that have been easier?"

For a moment, I think of how to respond. "Your father and I… needed time, back then. To figure things out. I wasn't ready to make any decisions. Our family, you and Zach, mean _everything _to me, so did our marriage. I couldn't decide right away." My eyes trail off to the divorce papers. "And we really tried to make it better."

"I know," she whispers. "But it didn't get better."

My eyes get watery as I look into hers. It surprises me how calm she looks, not upset at all. As if it's a mere fact that she just accepted and understands. She's grown so much. It's almost as if she is reassuring me that it didn't work and that she knew.

"You're right," I say softly as I stroke her cheek. "It didn't."

Her fingers trail over the paper. "You signed them."

"Yes."

"Are you relieved?"

_I don't know._ "I will be," I say. "When next week happens… And when that's over. Then I'll be relieved."

She nods. "I want you to be happy, Mom."

"I know, sweetheart. I want all of us to get passed this and be… _happy_."

"I am. I think you made the right decision."

I smile at that. "Ok," I answer. "Looking forward to seeing Dad?"

"Yeah, he's gonna take us to the movies, and Zach and I are gonna cook."

"That sounds like a lot of fun. I'll see you Monday after school. Come here." I give her a kiss and stroke her cheek. "I love you."

"I love you too, Mom." She gets up from the bed. "What are you gonna do this weekend?"

"I don't know," I sigh as I look at the papers once more.

"You should go out and do something fun, too."

"Like what?" I ask grinning as I follow her out to the kitchen to say goodbye to Zach.

"I don't know. Call a friend," she says as she puts on her coat. "I don't want you to be alone all the time."

Zach walks over to me and gives me a kiss. "Grace is right, Mom. We'll see you Monday."

I chuckle at their advice. "I'll make sure I entertain myself. Love you too."

I smile as I watch them walk out to the elevator. I think about how they've grown. How they're making their own decisions and are becoming their own person. figuring out who they are. Sometimes I think I missed how that happened. That they had to grow up too fast because of what we've put them through. But every time I question my parenting, or apologize to them, they tell me that it's all right. Maybe they're wiser about the whole thing that I am myself. Grace giving me advice like that… _call someone. _I smirk at the thought.

9:17 PM.

_Oh well, so much for smirking at your daughter's advice, Alicia_, I think to myself. I'd been sitting on my bed, watching some TV and staring at the papers. I was bored and I thought about what to with my weekend and then… I called Will. Just like that. Maybe I needed the two glasses of red wine to find the courage, but I found it and called. I _called_. I can't believe it. He was up for drinks, then asked me where to meet. I didn't think about the location at all. He proposed to come here. I said yes. Then, I freaked out. But he had already hung up with a 'see you in an hour'.

I glance at my watch, that's in another ten minutes. Perhaps I shouldn't have called. I could have suggested more neutral terrain at least. But getting together in a bar seemed just as non-neutral as meeting here. Whatever we're doing, it will never be _neutral _and we both know it. I just want to see him. And it's not more than normal to propose to come to my apartment. So that's what we're going to do.

There's a bottle of wine on the kitchen counter, some beer in the fridge. The apartment looks OK. Not too messy. I catch myself wanting to check on the bedroom. Why would I wanna do that? He won't see that. Will he? What if he will? What if… No. No, that's not what you want, Alicia. Not right now. And it's probably not what he wants either, right? I open the door of my bedroom anyway. The divorce papers still on my bed. That looks a little depressing. I quickly gather them together and lay them in the bookcase in the hall way.

How do _I _look? I hurry over to the bathroom. A little ragged, to be honest. I brush my hair and put on some lipstick. Nothing too extreme, just taken care of. I look at the cardigan and jeans I'm wearing. Maybe I should switch that for something else. Still contemplating what to do or not, I hear the doorbell. He's early.

"Hi," he says with a smile as I open the door. He looks casual, wearing a simple light blue shirt, jeans and his leather jacket. It's been a long time since I got to see him like this.

"Can I come in?" He grins.

Oh God, I must have been staring. Great start, Alicia.

"Yeah," I chuckle and open the door a little further. "Of course, come in."

I observe him as he walks past me to the kitchen. I know it's just clothes, but there's a whole different Will standing in my apartment than I've gotten used to. It's a good thing, I guess. We'll see. We're alone now. There's no one around us, no colleagues, no clients… Just us. We could do whatever we want. But I have no idea what I want. So I just stand there, still in the hall way, looking at him.

He seems to see the doubt on my face. "Second thoughts?"

I take a moment. "No, Will. I called you. I was just thinking… It's been a while."

He nods. "It has."

I take a deep breath. "OK." This is slightly awkward. "Can I get you anything to drink?"

"That wine looks good," he says as he takes off his jacket.

"Already started?" He grins, gesturing at my glass on the counter.

"Yeah," I chuckle as I fill both glasses.

"So, you were drunk dialing me…?" He jokes as I hand him a glass.

I laugh. Well, I do know the wine definitely didn't hurt. "It's not that bad," I joke back. "Actually, I was taking my daughter's advice."

"Really?"

"She came into my bed room earlier tonight," I explain as we walk to the living room. I sit down on the couch.

Will seems to contemplate what to do for a moment, glances at the couch but then sits down in the chair on the opposite side of the room.

"Told me I needed to go out and do something fun."

"Nothing wrong with that advice," he grins and sips from his wine.

"_Call someone, _she said."

"Honored you chose me," he says. A triumphant smile appears on his face.

I roll my eyes at that and smile. "It's just that none of my other friends could make it so…"

"I didn't expect you to do so otherwise," he grins. Then his voice turns more genuine. "I actually can't remember the last time you called me, aside from work then."

"I know," I sigh. "It's been a long time." I take another sip of my wine.

We're quiet for a second. I look at him, unsure of what to say next. Here he is, sitting right in front of me in my living room. There are so many things I could do or say right now, but I'm not sure which of those things is right. It reminds me of that night at the bar. His eyes pleading me to walk back, to ask me to get closer and allow him to kiss me. Now, we're too far away from each other to do any of that. He's sitting there, in his jeans and shirt, in my apartment. _In my apartment. _When did it come to this?

The cheeky, flirty conversation we just had has made place for quiet stares. I think he doesn't know what to do or say right now. And honestly, I can't blame him. I've always been the one telling him off, and now I invited him over.

I see him looking around the living room. "Are you planning on staying here?" He asks, breaking the silence.

I nod. "Probably, yes."

"It's a nice place."

"It is. And Grace likes it here, I don't want her to move again."

"What about Zach?"

"College," I smile.

"Of course," he nods. "How are they doing?"

"Good. Really, good. Grace seems to understand. Zach… He doesn't talk much. But I think he's doing OK."

"I didn't talk much to my parents at that age," he answers. "I don't know why. You just… don't. You figure things out yourself."

I take another sip of my wine. "I know. I avoided talking to my mother. Still do," I grin. "But I just hoped I could get a little more out of him, you know?"

"He's growing up."

"Yeah… Eighteen years old. Can you believe that? He actually voted."

"He could get married… join the military," Will grins.

"I know. It's unbelievable."

He gives me a smile. "I can't imagine what it's like to see your own child reach that age. To see them grow up like that."

For a moment, his mind seems to drift off to a course of life he never experienced. I never thought of Will as the fatherly kind. I'm not sure why.

"Have you ever wanted that?"

He looks up to me, asking me to clarify myself.

"Kids?"

He sighs at that as he looks down and rubs his index finger over the rim of his glass. "I guess, I always considered myself too selfish."

"Are you?"

He grins at that. "I definitely used to be. I never really let much else get in between me and work. Now… I'm not so sure what I want and don't want anymore." At the last words, he looks back at me.

I nod slowly. "Same here." I offer him a faint smile.

"One more?" He asks, gesturing at the wine.

"Sure." I answer. He gets up to fill up both our glasses. "I wish life wasn't so complicated," I sigh, as he hands me our glass back.

He smirks. "Let's drink to that."

I watch him as he sits back down on the chair. I always feel privileged when I get to see him like this, in his casual clothes. Like I'm given a sneak peek into his life outside the firm. The life I was a part of for just a little while.

He gives me a frowning stare. "What happened?" He asks.

I'm not sure what he means.

"I'm not talking about Peter. I mean you. What made you come up to my office that night?"

"Before we went to the bar?" I ask, buying myself some time to think of what to answer.

He nods.

"What happened…" I repeat his earlier question. "I don't know." I stare at the wine in my glass, then across the room. "Or, I do know," I correct myself.

I look back at him. "I like you, Will. I wanted to stop shutting you out. It wasn't working, it didn't make things any better." That's more honest than I expected myself to be.

He just nods in return. "I'm glad you did," he then says.

He takes a moment to think and then looks up to me, straight into my eyes. "Feels like we're reconnecting."

"We are," I nod.

"It's nice." He gives me those soft, warm eyes.

"Yes." I smile at him.

10:48 PM

"I should probably go," Will says after he finishes his wine.

I glance at my watch. Then at the empty bottle. "Yeah," I just respond. I can't really contradict him.

I watch him get up and walk to the hallway. I get up as well and follow him. He takes his coat and then opens the door of my apartment. We're about two steps away from each other.

He _really_ looks good tonight. And the way he's standing there, so close to me… It's tempting. Very tempting. His eyes move restlessly across my face, asking me what I want to do right now. He's clearly leaving it up to me.

"See you Monday?"

"Yes." I answer. "Thanks for coming by."

"Thanks for inviting me." He gives me a heartfelt smile.

Then nothing happens. We just stand there. This feels like that last time, at the bar. But that night I was still confused, unsure of what to do with my life and my feelings. But right now… things are different. I had made a choice. I was free to do what I want. So what was holding me back?

He takes another step on his way out, now he's in the doorway. I don't want him to leave. Not like this.

"Will? Can I say something?"

"Sure?" He turns around.

"I know..." I start. "I know we keep going back and forth. And I also know that's because of me."

He doesn't respond. He just stands there. He tilts his head and then rests his hand on my upper arm. "Alicia, it's ok," he answers softly. "I get it. Let's not do anything stupid."

For some reason it disappoints me, but I know he's right. I just keep looking at his face. His touch triggers a desire I pushed back for way too long. It's this gentle, careful gesture. It reminds me of the moment at the river, when I couldn't stop myself from breaking down. He just grabbed my hand. Nothing more. But at that moment it was enough to know that I was going to be all right. And now his hand is on my arm and I seem to relax completely, again.

Then I lean in and place a decisive kiss on his cheek. What did I just do? "I'm sorry," I immediately blurt out.

"Don't be sorry," he grins. Then he places a soft kiss on my forehead. His hand goes up to my cheek. As he ends the kiss, his forehead still rests against mine.

"Just don't do anything you might regret," he says with a soft voice. "Take your time. Get back on your feet."

I nod. He pulls back and looks into my eyes. "Let's not rush this," he says.

"Ok," I reply with a faint smile. He' right. "I'll see you Monday then."

"Monday," he repeats. "Good night Alicia."

"Good night," I say as he walks out in the hallway onto the elevator.

Once he's out of sight, I shut the door of my apartment and lean with my back against the door. I take a deep breath and close my eyes, allowing myself to take in what just happened. I can still feel his lips on my skin.

We're definitely reconnecting. And that's a good thing. Right?

**To be continued...**

_Preview for next chapter: _As usual, Will is the only one left in the office at the end of the day. But then he realizes there's someone else hiding out, in an attempt to avoid the reporters who all want a glimpse of her.

I would love to receive some reviews again, and hear from the followers :) I get so happy whenever I receive them!


	9. Headlines

**A/N:**I had a lot of fun writing this chapter. I jus thought to myself, these two can only stay rational for so long. Maybe this messes things up, maybe this makes things better. Let me know how you feel at the end of the chapter!  
**Disclaimer: **Could only wish I owned any of it, but I don't.  
**Summary: **"I guess I shouldn't offer you to stay at my place… Right?" It's out before I realize. I glance at her, in an attempt to see her reaction. "Right," she replies, but it doesn't sound that convincing. "So then… " I think of how to work my way out of this one. "I won't be offering that," I mumble.  
**Thanks: **To my lovely beta Romantic Southerner!

* * *

**To Keep The Good Alive**

Chapter 9 – Headlines

"_You can't control what others think. The only thing you can control is yourself. Some people will look down on you for your choices in life, no matter what they are. You can't do anything about that. The only thing you can do is decide how to live your own life. And to hell with everybody else" _― Marie Sexton

The headlines are everywhere. _Florricks Separate, Hypocritical Campaign Marriage Ends, St. Alicia Breaks Away From Cheater Husband,_ it goes on and on_. _I wonder how she got through her day. I briefly passed her in the hallway this morning, on her way to court. We didn't get a chance to talk. I went by her office later, but her assistant told me she was out, then I was stuck in negotiations and now it's… I glance at the clock in the upper right corner of my laptop. 19:30. I should get out of here. I look up from the screen. The lights have dimmed in the offices around me. A familiar view.

Alicia must be at home with her kids, exhausted most likely. I wonder if I should give her a call. It seems odd not to get in touch with her after a day like this. On the other hand, the whole world tried to get in touch with her today. I'll ask her tomorrow, get her a cup of coffee or something.

I crack my neck and push my chair away from the desk. I should get going. This hiding away in my office isn't doing me any good. I miss her, I realize. I want to know how she's doing, what's going through her mind… But it's not up to me to get in touch with her.

That's the thing with me and her. She always… comes and goes. I'm all right with it now, but I'm hoping that it will start to change now that the divorce is filed. I didn't expect her to call me last weekend. I was glad she did. However, when I got there it felt good, but out of place at the same time. It's like she didn't know what she was doing; and honestly, I didn't have a clue of what to do either. I knew what I _wanted_ to do, I just didn't know what was the_ wise_ thing to do was.

As I walk out of my office I suddenly see a dim light coming from the back of the floor. Is that Alicia's office? It can't be. Perhaps she forgot to turn off the light. I walk to the end of the hallway and then I notice her, sitting on the couch in her office, working on her laptop.

"Alicia?"

She looks up to me, a little startled. "Oh, hi," she smiles.

"I didn't think you'd still be here."

"Neither did I," she responds sarcastically.

"Hiding out?"

"Pretty much. There was a reporter with a _camera_ following me to court this afternoon."

"Are you serious?"

"Yep," she sighs as she closes her laptop.

"So why don't you go home?"

"My doorman gave me a call. Told me there are at least two reporters waiting outside my apartment."

"That's crazy."

She nods. "So I'm just sitting it out till they're gone."

"That's ridiculous."

"Peter says he's handling it," she replies dryly. "But apparently, they're just sitting in a café across the street or a car. What can you do?"

"I think you could use a drink. Unwind a little."

She smiles. "OK. I need to call the kids first."

"Go do that. I'm gonna get us a beer. Come over to my office when you're done," I say as I look around. "Corner offices are way better for late night drinks. I know from experience."

She laughs at that. "I tried redecorating. But it doesn't come close, does it?"

"Not really. Let me get those beers."

"Will, you were about to head out," she says, gesturing at my coat. "You don't have to do this. Staying here. I'm fine, really."

"What if I want to? I'm glad I got a chance to see you."

She looks at me for a second. "Ok then," she nods with a smile. "I'll be right there."

Ten minutes later, I'm sitting on my couch. I turned one lamp back on, got us two beers and threw my coat and briefcase back on the chair. Then, I hear footsteps. I see her walking down the hallway, heading to my office. It's only when she comes closer that I notice she's wearing a pretty black dress. I've always loved her in dresses. They flatter her figure so nicely, but it's always in a discrete way. Never showing too much. It always excited me, that she was hiding her gorgeous body so perfectly and that I got to undress her at the end of the day.

"Hi," she says as she walks in my office.

"And?"

"They were fine," she answers. "Unfortunately, they've had their practice," she sighs as she sinks down in the couch next to me.

"Thanks for this," she gets her beer from the table.

"Of course." I reply. I'm a little distracted by the fact she's sitting down next to me, and I can't get my eyes off that dress. I've seen it before.

"What are you thinking about?"

"I like that dress." I answer bluntly. I don't look her as I say that. I just stare straight in front of me, taking another sip from my beer. "You should wear it more often. It suits you."

"Well, thank you," she smiles at me. Her eyes search mine. As if she's unsure how to take that compliment. I'm not sure what I meant. I mean, I'm thinking a whole lot more than just _'nice dress', _but don't go there, Will.

"So, what were you still doing here at this hour?" She asks.

"I got stuck in negotiations. Finished up some e-mails, then checked the headlines… _Saint Alicia,"_ I look back at her at the last words.

She smirks. "I can't believe I've been stuck with that nickname for four years now."

"Oh, it would have even been a great nickname back at Georgetown," I tease her.

"What? No!" She exclaims and slaps me on my arm. "What makes you say that?"

I laugh as my mind goes back to those days. "_Will. You can't cheat on that exam, how can you justify that?" _I say in a nagging high-pitched voice.

"I never said that!"

"You did… you did," I say laughing. "Always being the good girl."

"Well, not _always." _

"Let's just say most of the time. A little shy…"

She shakes her head in denial.

"High on principles," I continue. "Hard to get, too," I add with a smirk. _Now that hasn't changed,_ I think to myself.

"Ok. Stop talking," she grins and drinks from her beer.

"But you're right. You deserve a better nickname. Saint Alicia doesn't even come close to _most eligible bachelor, _I'm afraid."

"Maybe I'll get that title myself now. _Most eligible bachelorette." _She gives me a cheeky look.

"Definitely a contender," I nod.

She throws me another look. God, we're flirting.

Then, her phone buzzes.

"More reporters?"

"No," she says as she picks up her phone. "It's the doorman. They're still there. He thinks he spotted a camera."

"They're very persistent," I say. I honestly didn't think it would get that much attention.

She sighs and throws her phone back on the table. "I hate this." She's quiet for a moment, takes her beer. "You know…," she starts. "I really thought I stopped caring about all of it. But I'm just not going to give them footage of the broken down ex-wife to accompany their crazy headlines, or to _Photoshop_ into some viral video."

"You're right. You shouldn't," I answer. "But are you?"

"What?"

_"Broken down?"_ I repeat her words.

She thinks about how to answer that one for a moment. Then, she looks back at me. "No. But they'll _want_ me to be. These reporters just create the situation they want to see. It's not about how I feel or what I want. I'm not going to contribute to that."

"I thought some articles appeared to be rooting for you. That you made the right choice. '_An example for other women' _I think it said."

"I don't know about that," she grins. "And I don't want to be an example. I wish everyone would just keep their opinion to themselves."

"That might prove to be difficult," I respond.

"Yeah, I know. It's just… Tiring. And now there are reporters camping in front of my building. Can you believe that?"

I just shake my head and watch her as she takes another sip from her beer. I find it enjoyable that I'm sitting here with the woman that's been in the news all day, and is now just lounging on my couch, drinking beer. And even though the media attention is getting to her, she seems to have lightened up quite a bit ever since she sat down.

"You know what, you should distract them."

"How?"

"Let your doorman tell them you decided to stay at a hotel. Name the Conrad, Four Seasons, they'll buy that."

She turns her head towards me. "You know, that's actually a very good idea."

"Don't sound _so_ surprised," I grin. "Wait a little longer, ask your doorman to text you when they're gone, go home."

"Really good,'" she smiles. She puts her empty bottle down and then picks up her phone to text him back.

"One more?" I ask.

She stares at the bottle for a second. Then at her phone. "One more," she responds. "Can I use your bathroom?"

"Of course."

She leaves to the bathroom, and I get us two more beers. I sit back on the couch, loosen my tie a little bit. I turn my head as I hear the door of the bathroom open and Alicia walks back out. Again, I'm mesmerized by how good she looks in that dress. That dress… I can't seem to get my mind off of it. I've seen it before.

I watch her closely as she walks past me and sits back down on the couch. Then, it its hits me. She wore that dress the very first night we had sex in my office bath room. Yes. Definitely. I remember pushing the dress up her thighs with one hand, while placing kisses along her neckline. It's all coming back to me. I'd have to feel the fabric to make sure though.

"Here," I just say, handing her the beer, in an attempt to distract myself.

"Thanks," she says and gratefully takes a sip.

I'm having a real hard time not taking any initiative, I realize as I watch her. She's just so close and the touch of her lips on my cheek the other night definitely recharged me. As her touch always does. There's been none of that tonight. Only massive flirting, lots of glances, lots of smiles.

I've been patient. I still am. But it's just all very tempting and being wise about something like this is just a little more difficult two beers down in a deserted, dim lighted office.

"I can't believe this," she says as she checks her phone again.

"Still there?"

She nods.

Well, I know a solution. It was the first thing that came to mind when I saw her sitting there in her office. It seems obvious. And my apartment is much more comfortable than this place in the end. But that's not taking it slow. That's not being wise or patient at all.

"I guess I shouldn't offer you to stay at my place… Right?" It's out before I realize. I glance at her, in an attempt to see her reaction.

"Right," she replies, but it doesn't sound that convincing.

"So then… " I think of how to work my way out of this one. "I won't be offering that," I mumble. _Great, Will. Just great._

She throws me another one of her looks. There's a spark in her eyes I find hard to place. "I think that would be considered moving too fast," she replies with a hint of flirtation. The sound of her voice suddenly turned sultry.

I grin at that. "Probably." I can't take this anymore, I realize as we look in each other's eyes once again. What are we doing? What to do? What does she wants me to do?

"Well, luckily there's no sexual tension in this room _at all," _I finally can't help to joke.

She laughs out loud at that. I love it when she laughs like that. It opens her up. It makes me laugh as well. I stare at her. At her beautiful face, her red lips, the subtle pearls earrings, her bare neck and then… the dress. It's what has mesmerized me this whole evening. It's so perfect on her, and ever since I realized what we did the last time I saw her wearing this dress… I really have a hard time shutting down my feelings.

Then, my eyes find hers. I'm about to drown into them. I feel my breathing increase. I realize that there's no turning back from this moment now. I don't want to. I want this to never end. She's allowing me to look in her eyes. This is different than at her apartment. There's flirting. Bold, shameless flirting. And now we're just looking at each other.

My eyes drift off to her dress once again, and then I lift my hand to her shoulder, gently touching the fabric with my fingers. Yes. It_ is_ that dress. Now I'm sure. I watch my hand touching the neckline of the dress, then slowly on to her skin. Then, I look back into her eyes. Our eyes lock into each other once more. She leans in, our faces are only inches apart. And then she closes the gap, placing a soft and gentle kiss on my lips. I give in without a moment's resistance.

Her hand crawls up to the back of my neck, pulling me closer. Her tender kiss quickly deepens. My hand slides off to her chest. I can feel her chest going up and down, her breathing increases. For a moment, she pulls back, as if she's checking if I'm enjoying it. Or just making sure this is really happening. Because I actually need a second to process this. She gives me a smile.

"Rebelling against the headlines?" I whisper with a chuckle. She grins against my lips.

"Shut up," is all I get in response before her lips find their way to mine again.

Then, her phone buzzes. _Please, let it go, _I think to myself. But I've known Alicia for a long time. She'll always pick up that phone. She doesn't let herself indulge in a moment like this if it means the rest of her life can't continue.

As I expected, she breaks away from our kiss. I do get an apologizing smile. I lean back, clear my throat, watch her take her phone. I reach back from my beer, finish whatever is left in the bottle.

"They left." She sounds surprised and relieved at the same time.

"Nicely played," I grin.

She laughs. "Thanks for the tip."

"You're welcome."

We fall silent. The moment we just experienced seems far away already. Surreal almost.

"Guess you can head home then," I say.

"Yeah… I probably should." She seems a little flustered, still looking at her phone. Then she gives me a dubious look, biting her bottom lip. "Sorry for this."

"_Sorry?" _I repeat with a chuckle. "Trust me. Don't be sorry."

"It was nice," she answers.

_Nice? That was heavenly, _is all I can think. That could have lasted forever. She makes it sound as if she's admitting it to herself. She looks a little worried. I'm unsure whether it's because she's heading home now or because of our little make-out session. I can't imagine it's that. She took the initiative. But then again, I never really know what's going on in her head anyway.

"Time to leave?" I just ask.

"Yep."

I turn off the lights, we both get our stuff and head out to the elevator.

"You know what I just realized?" I say as the elevator doors open for us to get in.

"What?" She asks as she presses the button of the parking garage.

"We had good timing. Tonight."

She smiles. "You're right."

As the elevator starts to go down, I gently brush my hand against hers. Then, I can't help to say, "I could get used to that."

* * *

**Thank you for reading! **

_Preview for next chapter: _Alicia wouldn't be Alicia if she wouldn't have doubts about well, her life and what to do with it. Talking to Will might make things better, or make things worse…

Aah so many followers! Makes me so excited! Please tell me how you feel about this chapter, I'd love to know.


	10. The Safe Side

**A/N: **I'm so very sorry for the late update, but updates will be slow in the future I'm afraid. I started working full time while also writing my master thesis. Which is an impossible combination. However, I'm going to do very best to not only keep my job and university happy, but my fanfic readers as well ;)  
**Disclaimer: **Could only wish I owned any of it, but I don't.  
**Summary: **That's what staying on the safe side means. To not follow your heart. And like I said, I'm good at that. But at the same time, I know, I'll always come back to him.  
**Thanks: **To my beta Romantic Southerner for her patience, input, many corrections and midnight replies!

* * *

**To Keep The Good Alive**

Chapter 10 – The Safe Side

"_You and your heart shouldn't feel so far apart." – _Jack Johnson

"He'll be right there. I'll send him in," my assistant answers. Then I hang up. She just told me that Nick Benford wants to see me.

I wonder what he's up to now. He's an interesting character. Exactly the type of clients I tend to attract, apparently. I had poured all my energy in his case the past couple of days. It was about time because I hadn't been on top of my game the past weeks, and I hate it when I'm underperforming. Luckily, we won. I did well. But I hadn't been given any time to enjoy the win because of all the commotion surrounding the divorce. Fortunately, this week it seemed as if peace had been restored. No more annoying phone calls and distracting camera men. Just me, my kids and work. And Will.

"Alicia!" The sound of a male voice saying my name snaps me out of my thoughts.

"Mr. Benford," I get up to shake his hand.

"Nick," he corrects me with a smile.

"Nick. Take a seat. What can I do for you?" I sit back down in my chair.

"Well," he starts as he sits down in the chair in front of my desk. "I was thinking about how pleased I am with how you handled my case."

"That's good to hear," I respond politely, wondering what's coming next.

"Yes." He crosses his legs and squints his eyes as he looks at me. "Now, I might me making a huge mistake, but I'm considering bringing my business to your firm. All of it."

"Really?"

"Don't act so surprised. You're good. So is this firm, right?"

"Yes, yes of course," I stutter. "It just seems… sudden," I add.

"Well, I haven't fully decided yet."

"Of course, I understand." Is this really happening? He owns four of the most prestigious hotels in Illinois and started expanding in other states last year. His business is growing exponentially. He is a potential huge client, if he isn't already.

"So I was thinking, I need to get to know you a little better, and I want to meet the name partners, too."

"Of course, I'll ask my assistant to arrange a meeting." My hand is already on the phone, but he interrupts me.

"Oh, Alicia, you know me. I'm not too fond of meetings."

"What did you have in mind then?" I ask. "Lunch?"

"Lunch," he repeats my proposal with a laugh. "I'm in the hotel business Alicia. Lunch is a meeting with food. No, why don't all of you come to the opening of our second hotel in Chicago?"

I grin at that. "A _party_?"

"Yes! Ever heard of a party? In the evening, good music, nice people, and great drinks?"

"I've been to parties before," I chuckle.

"Good. You should celebrate life a little, Alicia. A party doesn't hurt, now does it?"

"No, no definitely not." I laugh. "So, when is this party?"

"Tonight."

He must be joking. "Tonight?" I repeat. He can't be serious.

"Last minute, I know," he answers with a smile on his face. "I just thought of all this today."

"Of joining our firm or the party?" I'm confused.

"Well, the opening has been planned for months. But joining, I just thought of that this morning, yes."

I frown at that. I honestly don't think I'll ever understand people who are that spontaneous.

"What can I say? I like change," he grins, clearly noticing the frown on my face. "Don't you?"

I'm not sure how to answer that one. It's as if he knows what has been occupying my thoughts lately. Or _who, _to be precise.

I just give him a look. "Of course."

"Good. You don't have any plans, do you?"

"I…-"

"Great." He doesn't give me a second to reply. "And bring Lockhart and Gardner too." He gets up from his chair.

"Yes, I'll do my best."

"Good doing business with you, Alicia."

"Thank you for considering us, Nick," I say and get up as well to shake his hand, still processing the fact that I'm expected at the opening of his hotel tonight. And not just me.

"I'm looking forward to seeing you there. You should loosen up a little. And change into something more… _festive_,"he tells me as he looks at the suit I'm wearing.

"I'll be there," I just answer with a smile, still a little taken aback by how all of this is going.

"Great. Have a nice day, Alicia. I'll have my assistant send you the details."

Completely surprised I sit back down in my chair. What a typical guy. And a _party. Tonight._ Knowing him, he'll make his decision based purely on the fact whether or not we're there and for how long. I should go find Will and Diane. This is all _very _short notice, I realize. I get up from my chair and head down to their offices.

Then, it hits me. I'm about to ask Will to go to a party. At a hotel, to make matters worse. This is why I've always said it will never work. How could it possibly work? How could this not get just as complicated as it was last time? How could he get used to… whatever happened last week?

_I could get used to that. _

The words have been resonating in my mind ever since. What did he mean exactly? Good timing? It wasn't just that. He didn't mean just that. I could tell. As always, his eyes said it all. He could get used to much more than just good timing. But I don't know anymore. I'm afraid we're moving too fast, even though I know we really aren't. We could have done much more in that office, we'd done it before. But we didn't. We contained ourselves. _I _contained myself.

But it doesn't feel like I did. No matter how rational I try to be and how much effort I put in restraining myself, I might control my actions, but my emotions are spinning out of control either way. No matter how much I pace my actions, when it comes to Will… my emotions are always ahead of me. I don't want them to be, but they are. It's as if my heart can't keep up with my head.

As I walk down the hallway, I see that Diane isn't in. _Great. _And as if it is just meant to happen, I spot Will working in his office. This must be the perfect example of Will's definition of good timing. I'm not sure if I agree at this point. What to do?

I watch him sit there, working behind his laptop with the usual frown on his face.

Look at me, staring at him like that. I can't seem to place my feelings for him anymore. My heart tells me to go in, ask him and enjoy a night out. My head tells me to please, stay away. And definitely to _not _go to a party with him. Because it will mess things up.

It won't make things right. And for once, I want my life to be right. I want all of it to be right. I made a few steps in the right direction with the decisions I've made lately, but I'm not sure which step I'm supposed to take next. Again, my heart knows what it wants. My hearts wants… _him. _All of him.

I'm snapped out of my thoughts when I notice Will is gesturing at me to come in.

I give him a quick smile in return and take the few extra steps needed to open his door.

"You seemed a little lost right there," he grins as I walk in.

"Sorry, I was just… processing this strange visit from Benford."

"Benford? What did he want?" He gets up from behind his desk and walks over to his leather chair.

"To bring his business to our firm," I reply. I sit down on his couch. Last week's couch, that is.

He raises his brow at that and gives me a smile. "Really?"

"Yes," I confirm. "Well, he's still considering. He wants to meet you and Diane first."

"Of course, arrange a meeting. We'll make time for that."

"Not in a meeting," I interrupt him. "At the opening of his new hotel. _Tonight."_

He smirks at that. "What, is he testing our flexibility?"

"Our _fun-ness_ maybe, I'm not exactly sure."

"Fun-ness, is that even a word?" He grins.

"Nope," I smile. "He told me he thought of the whole idea this morning," I continue.

Will laughs at that. "I'm liking this guy already." He seems to think about it for a minute. "And you think going to this opening will bring us Benford hotels?"

"I don't know," I answer in all honesty. "Maybe. He does strike me as the kind of guy who makes those decisions based on… well, parties. And personalities."

"Ok," he nods, contemplating what to say next. "Then, let's go to his party."

"I should probably call Diane though. He invited the both of you."

"Not a chance. She's the key note speaker on some women in leadership position conference tonight."

So, that means Diane definitely isn't going. And Will is. So that means… I'm actually going to a party with Will. How did this happen? He gives me a frowning stare, apparently noticing I'm not responding very well to that news.

"Alicia, this is about a potential new client," he then says to me.

"I know," I reply.

"It's not a date," he then adds.

I feel my cheeks flush red as I realize he knows exactly where my thoughts are. I briefly look down at my hands, folded into my lap. When I look up again, he hasn't moved. He doesn't take his eyes off of me. An awkward silence follows. He knows I'm uncomfortable, and I know, it shows.

It started that night in the elevator, and it hasn't gotten much better since. I didn't know how to respond to what he said at that moment. He opened up, he gave me an opening to respond to that, that I wanted to get used to it too. That we should do it more often, that it would work. And I didn't. And he noticed what that meant. He was well-aware.

"Do we need to talk about last week?" He breaks the silence, clearly knowing that it is last week's… _encounter_ what's going through my mind, and also knowing that I'm not the one going to address it.

"Will, we're fine, really," I answer quickly. Is that a lie? I'm not sure. We are fine. More than fine, I would say, going back to what happened on this very same couch. It felt great. It's what I had hoped would happen, and it was perfect.

He just nods. I'm not sure he's buying it.

"Ok." He seems relieved. "Are we gonna go there straight after work? Maybe grab something to eat?"

He says it with such ease as if it's a perfectly normal question, like we do that sort of thing all the time. It hadn't even crossed my mind. No. I should go home and change. We shouldn't go out and have dinner. Should we? We had fun last time at my apartment though_. What do you __**want**__, Alicia? _I'm driving myself crazy.

"I think, I'd better go home first," I decide to answer in the end. It seems the easy way out. "Benford actually asked me to change into something more _festive."_

"It isn't white tie or something, is it?"

"No dress code as far as I know."

"Good," he sighs relieved. "So, no dinner?" He tries again.

I smile at his perseverance and realize that he's not pushing. He's just being nice, hoping to spend time together. I guess, he doesn't see the obstacles like I do. And after last time at his office and the other time at my apartment, I can't blame him. Perhaps there are none. But I'm still figuring that out. And I'm worried that especially tonight is going to mess with work. After all, it _is _work.

"This is about work, Will," is what I answer. I try to sound composed. "I don't want to mess things up."

He nods slowly, taking in my answer. Then, he gets up from his chair. He looks defeated. "Ok. Then, I'll see you tonight."

My heart sinks at that. I don't want to disappoint him. Perhaps having dinner wouldn't be such a bad idea. But he's not going to ask it a third time, and he's right not do so. And I mean what I just said, I honestly don't want to mess things up.

"Yes, tonight," I answer. "I'll forward the details."

He nods and sits back down behind his desk. I get up and head to the doorway.

"Alicia," he then says. I turn around at that. Our eyes meet.

He takes a moment, as if he's still thinking about what he's going to say. The frown reappears on his face.

"Did we mess things up last time?"

I don't answer immediately because I don't know. I try to think of what to say. How to not screw things up and still be clear.

"I'm not sure," I decide answer in all honesty.

He doesn't really reply but the way he clenches his jaw and purses his lips shows that he's disillusioned. I wasn't supposed to say that. I was supposed to say that of course, we didn't mess up. But we need honesty. I do, at least.

I manage to bring something that's supposed to look like a smile on my face, but it doesn't really work. I should leave. "I'll see you later," I say softly.

"Yes," is the only reply I get. I quickly head back to my office.

There, I shut the door and sink down in my own couch. My head falls back against the cushions. Why do I keep shutting him out when he gets too close? Maybe I was wrong to think that I could handle opening up my heart for him again. Perhaps I was too optimistic.

At one point, only a few weeks ago when I was still with Peter, I thought that once I would get the divorce out of the way, we would have a chance. And maybe we do. But now that it's actually an option, and it has become a reality…the fantasy has stopped. No, I would be lying if I say it stopped. The fantasy is still there, but it's just a complicated one.

And I don't do well in complicated situations. I don't like them. I like structure, regularity, and plans. And I surely don't like crossing boundaries. In order to lead my life that way, I let my heart and my emotions wait. I'm good at that. It makes life less complicated. In order to live my life that way, I don't to seek the limits of the law or the limits of anything really. I rather stay on the safe side.

What happened last week, that wasn't on the safe side. It was an irregularity; it was crossing boundaries. And I'm not so sure if I should be doing that again. We could easily cross those boundaries again tonight. And the problematic part is that I lost track of where the boundaries are exactly. Are they still there or are we passed that?

I need to know. Because he means everything to me. I don't want to mess it up. It needs to be right. What if we'd go all in, and what if doesn't work? That can't happen. He means so much to me. I can't handle the thought that we might ever find out that we can't be together. That we aren't right for each other.

So, I'd rather just not try at all. That's what makes me want to take a step back. That's what staying on the safe side means. To not follow your heart. And like I said, I'm good at that. But at the same time, I know, I'll always come back to him. No matter how hard I try. I don't think that is going to change. And I don't want it to.

* * *

**Thank you for reading!**

_Preview for next chapter: _ Alicia's actions at the party confuse Will, she doesn't seem to know what she wants and it shows. A few drinks in, it leads to a late night confrontation.


	11. Mess

**A/N: **Can't believe it's been two weeks, I'm so sorry guys. I'm really doing my very best to keep updates going for both this story and 'Force Majeure'. Hopefully it hasn't discouraged too many of you. If not, maybe the angst of this chapter will, lol.  
**Disclaimer: **Could only wish I owned any of it, but I don't.  
**Summary: **"You need to stop playing these _games_, Alicia. For once, you need to make up your mind, and you need to stop _toying_ with me," I snap at her. Her mouth falls open in shock. "_Toying_ with you?!"  
**Thanks: **To my lovely beta Romantic Southerner!

* * *

**To Keep The Good Alive**

Chapter 11 – Mess

"You can cross the line whenever you want to, I'm calling it love soon."  
– John Mayer

**10:03 PM  
**

It's a cold summer evening, and here I am, standing in front of the new Benford hotel. A red carpet welcomes all invited guests and there are a _lot _of them. I spot some of our clients, business men… But I'm waiting for someone else.

Even though I explicitly told her this isn't a date - and even though I don't even _want_ this to be a date - it does feel like one. At least in a way, with me standing here and waiting for her to arrive. She texted me that she was running late. I just texted an 'OK' back. Kept it distant, in an attempt to not _mess things up_ as she painfully described it this afternoon. It makes me cringe every time I think about that description.

I'm not sure how we managed to mess things up. I thought we were building on something good. But she seems to reach an instant state of panic whenever we have a good time. She'll invite me for drinks and give me a peck on the cheek out of nowhere, only to later come back from that. Apparently, it's not about being patient but about doing the what? …Right thing? I don't even know what that is. She doesn't either. She doesn't know what she wants.

I do.

I want to give her everything I have. Enjoy life with her, laugh with her, sleep with her, talk to her, fight with her… I don't care how complicated it gets. I can't keep cancelling out the feelings I have for her. I wouldn't know how to simply stop loving her, how to turn it on or off. Clearly, she did master that skill. And ever since she came back in to my life it has resulted in me not knowing for how long she'll allow me to love her.

"Will, hi!"

That's her. I turn my head and see Alicia getting out of a cab.

I can't help to smile at her appearance. It's a response I have no control over. She walks up to me but stops at a, clearly well-calculated, distance.

"Thanks for waiting."

"No problem." I've waited for years; I can take a couple of minutes.

"This is huge, isn't it," she says as she looks up to the building.

"We're definitely not the only ones," I answer. We head to the entrance.

"Managed to grab a bite?" I ask as we take off our coats and hand them over at the cloakroom.

She shakes her head. "Had trouble finding something festive. Grabbed an apple on my way out."

I look at what she's wearing. A sleek, deep purple dress. Looking stunning as ever. Intuitively, I want to tell her that. Instead, I hold back. Not saying anything feels unnatural and it makes for an awkward moment. Our eyes meet, and I can tell she knows what I'm thinking. She offers me a smile and then breaks eye contact.

"Let's go," I say. We enter the overwhelming entrance hall and immediately spot Benford, making his way through the crowd as he notices us.

"Alicia!" He shouts out jovially as he comes closer. "Handsome man you've got there," he adds.

"Will Gardner," I introduce myself. "Pleasure to meet you." I wonder what kind of night this is going to be.

"Nick," he says and shakes my hand. "Benford," he adds with a grin.

"Thank you for the invitation."

"Well, parties and business are a magnificent combination. At least, if you ask me." He looks around and taps a waitress on her back. "Darling, three scotch please."

"And what about Diane Lockhart?"

"Diane unfortunately had a conference to attend," I explain. "She's the key note speaker at the annual women in Leadership Conference."

"Ahhh, a _feminist_."

I'm not sure whether that landed right or not.

"Are you?"

"I'm sorry?" I ask confused.

"A feminist?"

"I…" He caught me off guard. "Aren't we all?" I decide to answer.

He laughs out loud. "Very good. And a lawyer too,, I assume?"

"That too," I nod with a grin.

The waitress comes around with a tray with our drinks.

"You did good," he then says to Alicia. She gives him a confused look in return.

"The dress, Alicia, the dress. That's a good colour on you."

"Thank you," she politely smiles.

"Well, I'll have to excuse myself as you'll understand. Lots of friends to greet, but let's toast first."

He raises his glass and knocks it back. We're both a little surprised by that but do follow his example.

"Important to loosen up a little." A roaring laugh follows. "Don't go anywhere, we'll talk later."

"I told, you, he's an interesting character," Alicia tells me as soon as he's out of sight.

"Asking me if I'm a feminist," I grin, shaking my head. "How's the scotch treating you empty stomach?"

"Definitely kicked in," she laughs.

"You should eat something."

"Yeah."

We walk over to a stand full of hors d'oeuvres. Alicia politely starts with one and I order us both wine. "To Benford," I say and raise my glass.

"I certainly hope so."

**10:34 PM  
**

I look at Alicia and realize that it's been a while since I've been in a hotel with her. And now we're here for a business meeting, and nothing more. We're not going to mess things up, so nothing's going to happen.

Honestly, if we hadn't had that awkward conversation this afternoon, if it hadn't been so awkward ever since we got down in the elevator that night, I would have gotten a key before Alicia arrived. I would have kept it in my pocket, not telling her about it and only show it to her at the end of the evening. She would have laughed at the initiative, have second thoughts for only a minute but then give in. We would walk up those stairs together, find our room and close the door from the rest of the world.

But that's not what's going to happen. I've had my fantasies, and I've been blind enough to think that one day, they'd become our reality again. I think, this afternoon showed how they'll never be. Alicia isn't ready for that. Sporadically, she thinks she is, but she isn't.

"Are you gonna eat them all?" I joke as I see Alicia reach for another snack.

She gives me a look as if she just got caught and laughs. "Would that be rude?"

"Benford couldn't care less," I grin and drink from my wine.

Then, we fall silent and both observe the crowd. We have comfortable silences, Alicia and I. But this isn't one of them. Not for me at least, because I don't know how to behave. After her actions of the past days, I'm completely clueless. Luckily, right at that moment Benford reappears from the crowd.

"Alicia, Will, enjoying yourselves?"

"Definitely," I answer.

"You two don't move around much, huh? Let me call Cassandra." He picks up his phone. "Cassandra? My new lawyers haven't seen the rooms yet. We're at the bar on the left side."

Alicia and I share looks, she raises one brow at me. It makes me smile. We're thinking the same thing. Did he just say that?

"Yes, yes, you heard that right," he laughs.

"You live up to your reputation of quick decisions," I answer, grinning.

"Well, sometimes you have to take a leap of faith."

"That's great to hear, sir," I say happily and shake his hand. Alicia seems to be completely shocked.

"Oh, come on, don't act so surprised," Nick laughs and pats her on the shoulder. "I already ordered us some more scotch," he explains as a waitress walks over.

"To our future collaboration," he cheers. We raise our glasses and down another scotch.

"Now, Cassandra is waiting for you near the stairs. Enjoy yourselves, and have a great night."

Within seconds, he disappears back into the crowd. As I look at Alicia, I can tell she wants to burst into laughter, but instead, we stay contained until he's really out of sight.

"Did this really just happen?" she asks, amazed.

"Well…," I grin, "I think, it did."

"I can't believe this," she laughs.

"Now let's go see the rooms," I add and gesture at the blond lady near the stairs.

**11:10 PM **

"There are still a few rooms left," Cassandra tells us as we walk back down stairs after the tour of this amazing hotel. Benford definitely has good taste.

"To decorate?" Alicia asks.

Cassandra laughs and takes us back to reception. "No, to book! You're free to stay the night. If you want a key, my colleague Jason will help you out. Have a great night."

Stay the night? The rooms she just showed us were magnificent.

I look back at Alicia. "You knew about this?"

She laughs. "Nope. I had no idea."

I turn to the receptionist. "For _free?" _I ask to make sure.

"Yes, sir," he smiles politely. "Still a few left with a balcony and jacuzzi in case you're interested.

"Huh…" I grin. "You got to be kidding me."

I glance at Alicia, who just stands there, biting her bottom lip. My mind flashes back to that first night, how we desperately tried to get a room, fighting for good timing. Now it's right here in front of us. All we need to do is ask the guy for a key. We'll get it. For free. We could stay an hour, or two, or the whole night. What I was thinking of just an hour ago - how we could close the door from the rest of the world - just became an actual option.

Alicia's eyes seem to light up as they catch mine. I'm trying to contain myself, but it must be obvious how eager I am to just get that key. She knows, and she seems to be enjoying it.

"Definitely beats 7800 dollars," Alicia cheekily whispers and suddenly her hand touches my wrist. Her thoughts are at that same night.

"It does," I laugh, happy to hear we're thinking the same thing. And for a split second, I truly believe that she's going to ask for the key. But nothing happens.

_She_ was the one who set the boundaries this afternoon, so I'm definitely not going to suggest getting a room together. _If you want it, say it_, is all I can think. I'll join you. Just say that you want this, and we'll do it.

I know, the touching means she's flirting with me, and she probably thinks it counts as taking actual initiative, but I need her to be more assertive. I need her to make the decision and tell me she wants this.

Her eyes move restlessly across my face, trying to figure out what my next response is going to be. _Ask for a key. Ask the guy for a room. _

"You think we should?" she whispers at me. Her brown eyes look at me for confirmation. Her lips curl into a cheeky smile, but there's doubt in there too. She's not convinced of what she's asking.

I want the initiative to be all hers. "Do you?" Is all I decide to ask in return.

Another quiet moment. I arch my brow, emphasizing that I'm waiting for an answer. Then she breaks eye contact and looks away.

Forget it. This isn't happening. Too good to be true. She's backing off.

"I think… I'm going home." It comes out slightly more annoyed than I meant it. But I have to admit, I'm frustrated.

"I'm sorry. You're right," Alicia says and clears her throat.

"About what?"

"We shouldn't."

A wry smile escapes my lips. "I never said that."

I ask the guy for my coat and watch Alicia do the same. So, she gave up. She could have tried to convince me otherwise, but she didn't. And by now, I don't even want her to. I just want to go home and come to terms with the fact that it's never going to be any different.

We don't talk on our way out. Once outside, I bury my hands in the pockets of my coat and walk out to the street.

She walks with me. The playful look she had on her face all evening is no more.

"We're in a weird place," Alicia states. We're standing next to each other right outside the doors.

"Yeah," I just sigh. "Apparently." Frustrated, I walk away from the entrance.

"Should we talk about this?" She asks and follows me.

I want to shake my head, but don't really do it. I don't want to end the night like this. But I'm getting tired of doing this. She needed time, I gave her time. But then she approached me. _She_ did. So I responded. And the next thing I know is that she backs off. She might not realize she's doing that, but that doesn't make it less frustrating or hurtful.

"What just happened there?" She asks softly.

Even though I appreciate her trying to have a conversation about it, I'm too fed up with all of it to do all the talking.

"You tell me," I mutter in return.

She opens her mouth, but nothing comes out.

"_You _tell me what happened," I repeat dryly.

A confused look is all I get in return. _Come on, Alicia. Do the talking this time. _

"Describe it. Tell me what you were thinking. Explain to me how you feel."

"I wasn't thinking, I-"

"Exactly." I cut her off. "God… I knew you didn't mean it." I shake my head in frustration. "I knew you didn't really want… that."

"What are you trying to say?" She asks, vexed.

"Alicia..." I sigh. "It's this ridiculous, what… _dance_ we do. I don't even know what it is!"

I feel all the muscles in my face tighten. "_You _call me. _You_ want to see me. _You_ _KISS _me."

I see her gasping for air, her eyes pleading me to stop but I just need to get it out of my system.

"And in my office, the _same thing _happens," I continue. "And it's _great._ Really, I think it's great. But 24 hours later, you suddenly decide that now we _shouldn't?!_"

Her eyes move restlessly across my face as if she's unable to process what I'm saying.

"Saying we '_messed things up'? _What does that even mean!" I throw my hands up in the air in frustration.

_Calm down Will. _I take a deep breath, bite my lip while thinking about how to get my point across.

"You need to stop playing these _games_, Alicia. For once, you need to make up your mind, and you need to stop _toying_ with me," I snap at her.

Her mouth falls open in shock. "_Toying_ with you?!"

I wait for her to continue but she doesn't.

"Never mind," I sigh. I don't want to do this. Not now. I'm getting carried away, and I'm losing control of my emotions.

I spot a bench and sink down on it. I cup my face in my hands. I should stop this. I don't want to fight about this.

Clearly offended, she makes her way over towards me. I take a few deep breaths, regain my composure. From the corner of my eye, I can see that she's standing in front of me, but I don't look up.

"What do you want?" I ask her, calmer this time. I stare straight ahead of me as I ask that, desperately trying to calm down and figure out what I should say. "What do _you _want?" I repeat my question.

I look up to her. She stands there, her arms wrapped around her middle. Our eyes meet.

"I'm asking, because I don't think you know."

Still, no response. She bites her lip and looks away. I wish she would just blurt out her feelings. Tell me whatever comes to that mind of hers. Be blunt, be out of control.

Instead, she sits down next to me on the other side of the bench. At safe distance, of course. We're quiet for a moment. I need to do this right. I don't want to scare her off. I said what I wanted to say. Now, I need to be gentle.

"You can't act on your feelings while expecting me not to," I say with a soft voice. "It doesn't work that way. You can't turn me on and off whenever you want. Apparently you can… or tried it… I don't know how it works… but I can't,"

Again I look at her, but she doesn't look back at me. "I tried," I add for emphasis. "But I can't."

"I know," she mumbles.

_That's something, _I think to myself. But it's not enough. I need more from her. Instead, she averts her gaze.

"Alicia," I try again. "You know how I feel about us. I can't keep telling you that."

Then, her face turns back to me. Our eyes meet.

"If you're serious about this. If you want… _this_…. I need _you_ to approach _me_."

_So approach me. _Now. Say it. Spill it. Tell me anything. That you want this, or that you don't, or that you need more time. Don't just sit there.

But it's all she does. Apparently, that's all I'm going to get tonight. Perhaps it's not going to get any better.

"I should go now," I sigh defeated and get up from the bench. I need to get out of here. "I'm sorry. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Will…"

I turn back as I hear her say my name, hoping that she'll tell me anything that will make this better.

"I'm sorry."

_Really, Alicia? That's all?_ I'm not even going to ask for what. Or why. Or burst out again. I just shake my head, turn around and cross the street. I don't look back.

Immediately, I regret what happened. Perhaps I'm asking too much. Perhaps I should have taken this moment, taken the lead and asked for the key. But that's not how I want this to be. It needs to be different this time around. _She _needs to be sure. _She_ needs to be the one deciding that she wants this. _She_ needs to be all in.

But what if she'll never allow herself to do that? I'm starting to lose my patience with her, I realize. I need her to allow me to love her. And if she can't do that… I don't know what that's supposed to mean.

* * *

**Thank you for reading and the lovely reviews! They encourage me so much :) I hope I'm still pleasing all those followers!**

_Preview for next chapter: _Picks up right after. Alicia on that very same bench, processing what just happened. Someone who'll give her surprisingly fitting advice will join her. Maybe that will set things in motion?


	12. Let's Get Serious

**A/N:**Its' been ages and I'm sorry for that. If you also read my other story Force Majeure, you might know the deadline of my MA thesis was approaching. I had to set priorities. I'm so sorry guys, I hate being so inconsistent. However, this story is coming to an end, and I hope you'll like this chapter!  
**Disclaimer: **Could only wish I owned any of it, but I don't.  
**Summary: **So, what am I going to do next? Simply go home? I realize that if I do that, I'll never approach him. But I also know that Will is not going to come back this time around. It's just not going to happen. As I sit down in the back of the taxi, the driver turns around. "Where are you headed?" Good question.  
**Thanks: **To my lovely beta Romantic Southerner for her _amazing _tips and eye for details. It made this chapter much, much better.

* * *

**To Keep The Good Alive**

Chapter 12 – Let's Get Serious

"And if you come around again, then I will take the chain from off the door."

- Ingrid Michaelson, 'The Chain'

**11:18 PM **

I'm staring at the ground, trying to take in what he's saying.

"You know, how I feel about us. I can't keep telling you that."

_I know, _I think to myself. _I know. _I want to tell him that I feel the same, but I just can't get myself to do it. Even in this very moment - where Will really can't be more vulnerable - I can't get myself to do it, and it hurts.

I look to his side. Our eyes meet immediately. He shakes his head, clearly disappointed that I say nothing back. The look on his face is sad and frustrated. Not that hopeful look he had given me the past few days.

"If you're serious about _this_," he continues. "If you want…" for a moment he breaks eye contact. "…this…"

His eyes move back up to mine. "I need _you_ to approach me."

_I don't know how to do that, _I realize. I desperately try to find a way to turn this conversation into something good.

"I'm gonna go," he sighs defeated and gets up from the bench. "I'll see you tomorrow." Without granting me another look, he starts moving.

_Don't go. Please._

"Will…"

He turns back to me. _Say it, Alicia. Say something._

"I'm sorry," is all I manage to get over my lips. _For being so incredibly vague and doubtful, _I add in my mind.

Even if there was a little bit of hope left in his face, it has definitely disappeared now. His eyes turn dark, the corners of his mouth sink downwards. He rolls his eyes and turns around again.

I sigh deeply as I watch him cross the street and disappear into the darkness.

Gone.

What just happened? I should have said something. We were almost there. What I had dreamed of for so long was within reach, but I didn't take it. To be in a hotel with him, to party with him. It's been a scenario I could only dream of in the past months, or _years, _that is. I thought of something like this had kept me awake at night, and the persistence of those fantasies had finally pushed me into making choices.

I followed my heart.

But for what?

I'm letting it all slip away, and I'm not sure why.

_I need you to approach me_. His voice echoes in my mind. And he was serious.

I really did try to open my mouth and to speak up. Why am I always so _afraid_?

"Alicia!"

_God, no_, I think as I look up to where the voice is coming from and see Benford approaching me.

"Nick," I smile politely.

"Just got outside to get some fresh air," he explains. "Didn't expect to see you here."

"Doing exactly the same thing…"

"Where's Will?" He asks as he looks around.

"You just missed him."

"Ah… no hotel room?"

I chuckle. "No hotel room."

"What a waste of perfectly new hotel rooms."

"It turned out beautiful, Nick."

"Yes." He turns around towards the impressive building. "Worked out as I hoped. Worth the risk." He turns back to me.

"So, where is he now?"

"Who?" I ask, unsure of what he means.

"Will, of course."

"I think he went home."

He shakes his head. "I thought you two were having a good time."

"Oh, we were," I reassure him.

"You two make a good couple."

"We're not a –"

"Giggling, drinking…" he continues undisturbed.

"_Giggling?" _I repeat laughing.

He smirks and takes something out the inside pocket of his jacket. A small hip flask. _You've got to be kidding me. _

"You?" He tilts the flask in my direction.

"I've had enough for the night," I smile and politely decline his offer.

"You're very calculative, aren't you?"

I think about that for a second. "When I need to be, yes."

He drinks from the bottle. "As my new lawyer?"

"Yes."

"You never go out on a limb? Take chances?"

"In court? You need to. You don't want to be too predictable."

"Right."

"But yes, I'd like to think before I talk."

"Good quality."

"Yeah," I ponder. It didn't do me right tonight.

"Don't you agree?" He looks at me.

"No, you're right," I answer.

"Turns into a bad one if it means you don't speak your mind," he shrugs.

I smile at how he's exactly hitting at the thought I was having.

"It was a great party, Nick," I decide to say, in an attempt to change the subject. "Really, thank you for the invite."

"Yet you're on a bench outside the party. Frowning."

"I'm not frowning."

"You are. Tells me you think too much."

"Doing a psychoanalysis now, Mr. Benford?"

"I just decided on hiring you as my new lawyer. I'm a curious human being," he grins. He gets up from the bench and closes the flask. "I'm very happy with my decision."

I get up and shake his hand. "Thank you. And again, for tonight as well. Seems like a great success."

"Have a nice evening, Alicia," he replies. "I'll come by your office later this week to sign the paperwork." With that, he heads back in the hotel.

I sigh deeply as I look back at the bench I was sitting on a minute ago. How did such a wonderful evening turn into something disastrous like this?

I know, how that happened. I happened. I'm responsible. I cut off every possible scenario this afternoon in his office. I'm the one doing this. I'm the one holding back. And it's beginning to dawn on me that this is probably it. Will is not going to come back this time around. It's just not going to happen.

So, what am I going to do next? Simply go home? I realize that if I do that, I'll never approach him. Not after tonight. I'll back off tomorrow. Sober.

And then what? We'll be back in the office, doing our jobs, never talk about it again until something snaps once more. It's a routine we're awfully good at. But it needs to stop. Will can't do it. He made that clear. Neither can I. I don't want to. In the end, all I want is to be with him, I want him to hold me, I want to joke around and simply _be with him. _

I stare across the street and see a few taxis pull up. I hurry over there. There's no use in standing outside the hotel all night, it's not going to change anything.

As I sit down in the back of the taxi, the driver turns around.

"Where are you headed?"

Good question.

**00:13 PM **

This is a mistake. What am I doing? This is _so_ unlike me. What if he isn't home? Worse. What if he's _with _someone? I'm panicking. I stood outside the building, still contemplating what to do, when someone passed me by and held the door for me. So I walked in. And now I'm inside this building. _His_ building.

I can't stand here for ever. Without even realizing it, I get in the elevator. It feels as if I'm in some sort of trance. My hand is trembling as I press the button of his floor. Am I really going to do this?

I lean back against the elevator wall. My mouth feels dry. I panic another thousand times as the elevator goes up. The doors slide open at his floor. As I step into the hallway, I realize how long it's been since I've been here. As I approach his door, my heartbeat increases.

I hold up my hand to knock on his door. Then, I pull back. I shouldn't do this. I should, at least, try calling first. I shouldn't even be here.

No_. _I _should _be here. I was right to ask the driver to bring me to this apartment, even at this hour. It's my turn to act this time around. I need to approach him. I need to let him know that I want this.

So, I knock.

It feels like I'm standing there for ages before I hear footsteps. My heart is racing at this point.

The door opens. Will's frowning face peaks around the door. I want to smile, but I don't get the muscles in my face to move. So, I just stare at him. He opens the door further. His apartment is dimly lit.

He's wearing black sweatpants, a white t-shirt. The blue button-up he was wearing earlier tonight hangs loosely draped around his body. His left hand holds a scotch.

He just stands there with a deep frown on his face, waiting for me to explain myself.

"I'm sorry for doing this at the hour."

He sighs and gives me look I can't place. Still, he gestures me to come in.

For a split second, I hesitate. Crossing this doorstep seems like crossing over to another world. And I know that once I step in his apartment, there is no going back. I'll have to tell him what I should have said months ago.

He raises his brow at me when I just don't move. "I assume you'd like to come in?" I hear a hint of humor in his voice, but the look on his face doesn't tell me whether or not I'm right.

He turns away from me and walks into his apartment, leaving the door open. So I follow. There's no other option. I can't turn back now. I only take a few steps inside, towards his kitchen.

"I was browsing Benford's websites," he explains as I see his laptop on the kitchen counter.

I smile. Why can't I get any words out of my mouth? This isn't going well.

"Want a drink?" He doesn't grant me a look as he asks.

I expected a 'What are you doing here?' but instead he just asks me what I want to drink. Still, my mouth seems forced shut.

As I don't answer his question, he opens up his kitchen cabinet and fills a glass with water. I look around his apartment. It's exactly the same as the last time I was here. And that's a long time ago.

Will turns around and puts the glass of water down on the counter in front of me. Now, his eyes meet mine. This is my cue to speak up, I realize.

"I'm sorry about tonight," I manage to get over my lips.

"You should stop apologizing." _Great start. _

He drinks from his scotch. The frown on his face tells me he's thinking of what to say next. Anxiously, I stand there and wait. Too nervous to reach out for the glass of water.

"I don't like what happened," he mumbles, staring into his scotch.

"Me neither."

"I put you on the spot. I shouldn't have done that."

"Will—"

He shakes his head. "No, it wasn't fair." He stares at his glass.

"But you meant it."

"Yeah." He trails the rim of his glass with his thumb. "Still."

"You were right, Will."

He looks up.

"We have something good." It's out before I realize. "I don't want to lose that. I know, I've never made myself clear, but…" I'm avoiding his gaze and I shouldn't. So I look up and his eyes meet mine. "…that's what I _should_ have said."

The frown on his face softens. "I'm glad you're saying it now."

I let out a shivery breath, relieved that I said what I finally wanted to say. But the look on his face tells me he knows that's not all there is to it.

"I'm just afraid it will go... wrong," My voice cracks as the last word.

"What makes you think it will?"

"Last time..."

He takes a deep breath. "It won't be like last time."

My eyes move over his face, asking him to assure me.

"Things changed," he tells me with a shrug as if it's the obvious answer. But maybe it is. Things did change.

"They did."

"For the better?" He asks.

"Yes." I answer decisive. I offer him a smile.

He puts down his glass and looks up to me. "What are your plans for tonight?" He asks, arching his brow. His mouth curls into a smile.

"No plans yet," I say, daring. It's the truth. But I do have a lot of ideas and none of them include me leaving this apartment any time soon.

"Then, let me get your coat." He walks towards me, and before I can take in what's happening, he's already standing behind me. I unzip my coat. He places his hands on my shoulders and gently slips my coat off me. Next, it hits the floor.

Neither of us care about the coat.

I care about his hands, now on the small on my back. I care about the fact that his body is so close to mine.

His hands direct me to turn around. One hand stays on my back, the other creeps up to my neck. He lips kiss mine, strong and convincingly. It turns me on and I immediately open my mouth a little bit, allowing his tongue to meet mine.

I can't help to push my body up against his. It's always been my one instant reaction whenever we kiss like that.

Then, he pulls back for a second. There's a look on his face that tells me I need to reassure him. That we're actually doing this and that I _want _to do this. So I smile back at him. Kiss him again, playfully bite his bottom lip and look up back to him again.

"Let's get serious," he grins against my lips. And I know I won't be going back home tonight.

* * *

**Thank you for reading and the lovely reviews (and asking me when I was going to update!) They encourage me so much :) **

Also… I handed in my MA thesis! Now I have all the time in the world for these stories, and I'll make it all up to you.

_Preview for next chapter: _Well, I can definitely assure you that Alicia didn't go home that night.


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